Courting With Disaster
by redlamps
Summary: Complete! The Misadventures of Grandma Mazur with Stephanie, Ranger, the Merry Men and others along for the ride of their lives. A Babe Love Story. FYI, there's also a prequel series to Courting.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Continuing my theme of giving H/Ellen Plum her 'just desserts'– This story is a big-ass slab of Pineapple Upside-down-In Your Face-Cake, smothered in whipped cream with a cherry on top._

**_xx not my characters, not making any money xx _**

_**x x x x x** _

**Courting With Disaster**

**_'The Misadventures of Grandma Mazur with Stephanie along for the ride of her life'_**

_**x x x x x**  
_

**Courting With Disaster**

**_'Being a tree in the forest'_**

_**Chapter One**_

_"Just calm down. I can't understand a word you're saying." The sound of blubbering was mixed with incoherent gibberish._

_"Mom." More blubbering._

_"MOM!" I tried louder. "You're not making any sense. Is everyone okay?" Pause. "Is it Dad?" Blubbering continued._

_"Is it Grandma?" Ear-splitting shrieks were accompanied by grievous wailing._

_'BINGO!' I thought to myself. Now just what did Grandma get herself into this time?_

_Since I wasn't having much luck getting information out of my mom, I changed tactics. "Is Dad home? Can I talk to him?" Blubber, blubber._

_I sighed. "Do you want me to come over now?" I heard more ear-splitting shrieks followed by gut-wrenching, mournful howling that would have put a dying moose to shame._

_"I'll be right there." I snapped my phone shut and made a u-turn in my car, heading back towards the nearest Tasty Pastry drive-thru. There was no way in hell I was going into a war zone without proper reinforcements. Ranger taught me well, although I'm sure that a dozen Boston Cream donuts were never part of his personal arsenal. That man needed to loosen up a little and stop being such a hard-ass. Hard. Ass. Drool. Nipples, registered lethal weapons. Eyes drifted shut. HORNS BLARING!_

_"Shit," I swore as I swerved the car out of on-coming traffic and back into my own lane._

_I drove up to my parent's house, stuffing the last bite of my first donut into my mouth. What?? Geesh, okay, okay... it was my third. Happy? I got out of my car and approached Ed Farmbeck who was standing in the middle of my parent's lawn. Ed was the local sleazeball real estate agent who everyone in the Burg used. He was bathtub scum and no one liked him but he only charged 3 commission to everyone else's 6. It would have been easier to part the Red Sea than to get someone from the Burg part with an extra 3 commission._

_He stopped hammering the stake of a 'For Sale' sign into my parent's lawn and offered me his hand with a toothy grin. Lovely, Pino's pizza was stuck in his teeth. The Pino's Hawaiian Special to be exact. In the Burg I was considered an expert when it came to pizza; CSIs gathering and analyzing forensic evidence had nothing on me._

_"My fair Stephanie Plum." The words oozed out of his smarmy mouth._

_"How are you this beautiful day?" I think I vomited a little in my mouth as I pulled my hand away from his and wiped Ed cooties off onto my jeans._

_"Ed, what's going on here?"_

_Before he could answer, high pitched keening from inside the house caused me to do an about face and race up the stairs, taking them two at a time with my stun gun drawn. '__Always be prepared.'_ It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Maybe my life wouldn't have been such a mess in the past if my parents had sent me to Boy Scouts instead of Girl Scouts when I was a kid, I thought dryly.

_Well, I had a rule book to follow now that seemed to cover just about every conceivable situation I could possibly find myself in. It was almost as if the book had been written just for me._

_I stood motionless in the doorway as my eyes swept the room, taking in the scene laid out before me. To say that an A-Bomb had exploded in the living room would have been too kind. The living room was usually in pristine condition, where every last picture frame and knick knack had its place. No one, and I mean NO ONE, dared to so much as move a coaster from its designated location. This was not that room. This room was a disaster with boxes and tissue paper strewn everywhere!_

_The sound of the front door opening had brought my mom running at break neck speed from the kitchen. She grabbed me by the arm and dragged me over to the nearest box._

_"Wrap and Pack. Go. Go. Go." She sounded like a drill sergeant._

_"Mom, I'm not moving from this spot until you tell me __what the hell_ is going on."

_She took a shuddering breath and sunk into the couch._

_"We have to move." She started sobbing again. "Somewhere far away. Do they have taxis in Alaska?"_

_She sat up straight. "What about Canada? They speak English there, right?" A sudden look of horror washed over her face. "They __do_ have electricity, don't they?" I think she was worried that she would have to leave her iron behind.

_I blew out a frustrated breath. We were getting nowhere fast and I was feeling a little agitated. I started seriously weighing the merits of bitch-slapping my mother against the number of Hail Marys I would have to say after Confession. It was a hard call. I've gotta tell you, it was taking all of my self-control to keep my hands safely tucked in my jeans' pockets. Like my mouth, my hands sometimes had a will of their own. Better safe than sorry I thought._

_"Mother. Tell. Me. What. Is. Going. On. Now," I ground out between clenched teeth._

_"It's that crazy old bat. Your father was right, she's off her rocker. The phone will be ringing off the hook. Everyone will be talking about us. We're going to be the laughing stock of Trenton."_

_"Oh God," she groaned. "We won't be able to show our faces in this town again. We'll have to move. Change our names. Enter the Witness Protection Program." I wanted to give her a good ol' Burg eye roll, but she looked like a woman on the edge. She was truly scary!_

_Stop! Think! I wracked my brain for something useful. 'Patience is a virtue.' 'There is no spoon.' 'Luke, use the force.' 'Beam me up, Scottie.' Damn, I had nothing._

_I closed my eyes and tried to focus. You could do this. I needed to channel my inner Ghandi. 'Ohmmmmmm.' Stop peeking, I scolded myself. 'Ohmmmmmm. My mind and body are one. I am the tree. In a forest? Um, surrounded by lots of green stuff?'_

_Shit, I wished that I'd paid better attention in Tank's 'Meditation for Dummies' class. It was a requirement for all new RangeMan hires to attend this class, or at least that was the story Ranger was sticking to. He assured me that I wasn't being singled out and it had absolutely nothing to do with my monthly mood swings or the bullet I put in my computer monitor after a particularly frustrating day. I totally believed him and not just because he had his tongue wedged down my throat and his hands up my shirt at the time. Yep, it was totally plausible._

_"She's...she's..."_

_'Yesss,' I thought. It was going worked. The Yogi mind rays I was shooting at her had snapped her will like a twig. She was going to squeal like a pig, sing like a canary. My Chakra kicked her Chakra to the curb. Who's the girl? I'm the girl, oh yeah! My inner Ghandi was doing the Snoopy dance. I'm sure my aura was glowing. Tank would be so proud!_

_**x x x x x** _

_"...No, I just can't say it. It's too horrible."_

_****__(Cue gut-wrenching, mournful howling)_

_Well, hell._

___**(Fade to black)** _

_TBC_

_N/B "There is no spoon" is a quote from the movie The Matrix._

_A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa) and Mud for editing and support_


	2. Chapter 2

_**xx not my characters, not making any money xx**_

**Courting With Disaster**

**_'Stephanie finally gets some answers, whether she wants them or not'_**

_**x x x x x** _

**_Previously in Courting With Disaster_**

_"She's...she's..."_

_'__Yesss__,' I thought. It was going worked. The Yogi __mind__ rays I was shooting at her, had snapped her will like a twig. She was going to squeal like a pig, sing like a canary. My __Chakra__ kicked her __Chakra__ to the curb. Who's the girl? I'm the girl, oh yeah! My inner Ghandi was doing the Snoopy dance. I'm sure my aura was glowing. Tank would be so proud!_

_ "...No, I just can't say it. It's too horrible." _

_**(Cue gut-wrenching, mournful howling)** _

_Well, hell. _

**_(Fade to black)_**

**_x x x x x_******

**Chapter Two**

I grabbed my purse and rummaged through its contents, looking for my stun gun. This was a dire emergency. No one would blame me right? Just as my gun had reached its full charge, the front door burst open.

"Stephanie." Grandma was practically bouncing with glee, shaking an envelope above her head.

"You'll never guess. I'm gonna be famous. Probably move into one of them fancy Beverly Hills homes you see on 'Cribs'. Hey, you could come live with me. We could be roomies. Go to some of them sexy Hollywood parties." God help me, she was as bad as my mother.

Hmmm. The stun gun _was_ fully charged now. I looked back and forth between both women. Decisions, decisions. Just the slightest movement of my right hand and zzzzttt, problem solved. It would be Ranger's fault really; him and his 'RangeMan Rules', outlined in the RangeMan Employee Handbook. To be exact, it was Rule 56, subsection a) _Be__ a doer, not a thinker. Thinkers get dead and cause a shit-load of red tape._ I had to memorize all 167 rules and accompanying subsections and addendums as part of the final RangeMan exam when I became a full-time RangeMan Employee.

I was a little suspicious that some of these rules weren't just written for my benefit. There was for example, RangeMan Rule 67, subsection a) _Personal hygiene products must never be left in the common bathroom,_ and subsection b) _Under no circumstances, must the above listed items be mentioned in the RangeMan building...for security reasons._

I discussed my concerns about these issues with Ranger at an Employer/Employee meeting on the seventh floor...in the shower stall...without apparel...covered in heavenly shower gel...with hot water pulsating over our bodies...as he demonstrated his finger dexterity in my lower regions.

I thought I conducted myself in a very professional manner. Ranger was a tough negotiator, really driving home each point forcefully but I held my own, even when the discussion turned heated. Yes, I remember clearly screaming his name over and over and over again. It ultimately culminated in _a moment of clarity_, several in fact that ended in our mutual satisfaction. Well, I actually think I said something like, 'Urgmphhh' but he knew I meant, 'I am agreeable with the terms set forth in our contract.'

I digress. I looked over at Grandma. Think about her heart I told myself. She was one of the few people I actually liked in my family, besides my dad and Mary Alice. That only left one person in the room. My head turned slowly towards my mother as I inched closer. I thought I saw a hint a fear cross her face. Good, so very good.

"She's going to be on Judge Judy," my mother finally managed to squeak out, sliding further down the couch away from me.

"See, was that so difficult?" I huffed. A little disappointed, I flipped my stun gun off and dropped it back in my purse.

"What do you mean she's going to be on Judge Judy? That show's from California. Judge Judy can't preside over a court case in New Jersey; she doesn't have jurisdiction." Huh, where did that come fromGrandma passed me the envelope she had in her hand.

"Just look at these papers they sent me and then we can go to the mall."

Finally we were getting somewhere. I studied the envelope. It had a return address from Big Ticket Entertainment in Los Angeles, California.

Grandma grabbed a copy of Cosmo from her purse and opened the magazine to a dog-eared page.

"You can help me look for one of these here sexy thong bikinis that go right up the crack of your butt." I shuddered. I think the entire left side of my face started twitching. Unfortunately, Grandma wasn't finished tormenting me.

"Don't let me forget to make an appointment for one of them wax jobs that leave you as bald as a—." I threw my hand up, in a '_Stop right there, do not say another word if you value your life_' sign.

"Ohhhmmmm." I turned my life energy inward and focussed on clearing my mind. I gathered all of my pent-up um... _life force_ and directed it to the area of my cerebral cortex involved in short term memory, willing it to be wiped clean. That was so much more information that I ever wanted to know about my Grandmother. I never, ever wanted to recall this conversation again!

I pulled some papers from the envelope in my hand and began to read. Hmmm, everything seemed to be on the up and up. Doing special live shows in Los Angeles...taking unheard cases from each state...aired during sweeps week...both parties had to agree to drop charges...abide by the ruling of the court...all expenses covered by the studio. I looked up at her.

"It looks like someone's going to California," I smiled.

"I'm gonna need a travelling companion, you know. Proper ladies don't travel alone." There was that mischievous smile that usually resulted in someone being arrested or shot. I was too innocent to be someone's prison bitch and really didn't like the sight of blood. I wavered for what seemed like an eternity. In real time it was 0.5 seconds.

"Hell, yaaa!"

We both jumped up on the couch bouncing and holding hands, singing 'Dream of Cal-i-for-ni-ca-tion...' My mother was nice enough to provide back up vocals with her own brand of singing, wailing. To-mate-o, to-mat-o.

As fate would have it, my dad chose this exact moment to walk into the house. It was clear from the horror etched on his face, he believed he had entered an insane asylum and we were the patients running amok. Without missing a step, he smoothly turned on his heel and left the way he came. Smart man.

Once the euphoria from of all of the endorphins that had flooded my body wore off, I started to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it wasn't gas from the bean burrito I ate for lunch so I decided to take a closer look at the documents Grandma had given me.

It seems that Stiva's Funeral Parlor, under the new management, was suing Grandma Mazur for damages from her latest fiasco. Both parties had to agree to have the matter settled by Judge Judy in front of a live TV audience. Stiva's new owners thought it would be a great way to get free advertising.

It would be seen by millions of home viewers. Then there was TiVo. The internet. Years of syndication. Oh Shit. The potential for a FUBAR made this a dangerous and very public op. This called for reinforcements and I was going to whip out the big guns. Big. Guns. Whips. Mmmmmmm.

After a shower.

**_(Close on camera shot of shower massager)_**

TBC

A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa) and Mud for editing and support


	3. Chapter 3

_**xx not mine, not making any money xx** _

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**It's not my fault.' **_

_**x x**_ _**x x x **_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_It seems that Stiva's Funeral Parlor, under the new management, was suing Grandma Mazur for damages from her latest fiasco. Both parties had to agree to have the matter settled by Judge Judy in front of a live TV audience. Stiva's new owners thought it would be a great way to get free advertising. _

_It would be seen by millions of home viewers. Then there was TiVo. The internet. Years of syndication. Oh Shit. The potential for a FUBAR made this a dangerous and very public op. This called for reinforcements and I was going to whip out the big guns. Big. Guns. Whips. Mmmmmmm._

_After a shower._

_**(Close on camera shot of shower massager)**_

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

**Chapter Three**

Now where the hell did Mom keep her liquid courage? I wanted a glass purely for medicinal purposes, of course. Where to look? I strummed my fingers on my chin. I had to get into the mind of a crazed Burg homemaker. Hmmm, her stash would be well hidden and yet easily accessible. I needed to look for something that didn't belong, something that seemed out of place.

I used my spidey-senses and honed in on the cupboard above the refrigerator. Interesting. Now what would a box of healthy, unsweetened, 'tastes like cardboard' Bran Flakes be doing in our house. I used tongs to move the offensive item aside. You didn't expect me to touch it, did you?

Eureka, I'd hit the mother lode. I glanced around, being all aware of my surroundings and then quickly poured myself a glass as I pulled out my cell and pressed speed dial one.

I threw my head back, draining the glass. Ahh, my throat was burning. I was choking. I couldn't stop coughing.

"Yo, Babe."

"I n-n-need y-y-you," I was finally able to sputter out. A strangled gasp and gurgling noise escaped my lips. "Can — h-help m-m-me." I disconnected and slide to the floor waiting for my coughing fit to subside.

A few glasses of Johnny Walker later, things started looking surprisingly brighter. Probably no one would even watch the show. We would get a free trip to California. Maybe we would visit Disneyland. We could run into Keanu Reeves totally by accident, outside of the gates of his Beverly Hills mansion, using my Map of the Stars' Homes that I got when I joined his Official Fan Club. I could be discovered while I'm sitting in a cafe and become the next big movie actress to wind up in jail, rehab or the unwitting star of a personal sex video leaked on the internet. Okay, well maybe not the last ones.

I was ripped from my slightly inebriated musings by the sound of shattering glass. Smoke was everywhere. My eyes were on fire...couldn't breathe...heard blood curdling screams. I was blinded by huge spot lights that streamed in through the windows. Sirens blared. I covered my ears to block out the deafening roar of an engine. No wait, it was lots of engines. They sounded like...helicopters? What the fuck?

Hands grabbed me and threw me to the floor. A heavy weight was thrown over top of me. Loud thumping like a herd of elephants running through the house started and then stopped just as suddenly. Then, there was silence...

When I was finally brave enough to open my eyes, I did a quick scan of the kitchen and took the only reasonable course of action. I fainted.

_**x x x x x**_

"Babe. Open your eyes."

'Mmmmm, this is nice,' I thought. A soft hand was stroking my face. I could feel warm breath against my neck.

'_Do not_ open your eyes. If I can't see him, it seems perfectly logical that he can't see me right?' I tried to convince myself. Hey, if it worked for Bob, it could work for me.

"Babe. I know you're awake." Well shit. I managed to pry one eye open. Huh. I was outside lying on the road in Ranger's arms. Mom and Grandma were getting their vitals taken. All of their limbs seemed to be attached. I gave a little finger wave. I bit the bullet and opened both eyes.

Hey, I saw this movie before. It was the final 'all hell breaks loose, big blockbuster, blow the entire production budget' scene from one of the Die Hard movies. Four helicopters, with moving search lights that criss-crossed the immediate area, hovered above the house. Black RangeMan vehicles were everywhere. An assortment of emergency vehicles including a pumper and two aerial trucks, courtesy of the Trenton City Fire Department were parked in front of Mr. Schlemtsky's house. A sea of RangeMan personnel in full riot gear looked ready for an alien invasion. The immediate area was cordoned off with yellow police tape.

News trucks with satellite feeds were parked just outside the yellow tape. Shit. CNN? Damn, we'd gone national. Mom was not going to be happy. Wait, the BBC? Blimey, scratch that. We'd gone international. Mental note: need to talk to Ella about adoption.

I tried to find a silver lining. Um, at least Morelli spit on floor wasn't here to witness this disaster that would be totally blamed on me. Thank God, he had taken a job with the F.B.I. in Washington when we finally decided to call it quits, for good. The break up wasn't pretty. It included compromising photos of Morelli spit on floor again, a richtor scale screaming match and massive destruction of personal property, his of course.

Though we didn't keep in touch after we broke up, whenever he came back to visit, he enjoyed reminding me of all my public humiliations. Crap, I forgot about the news vans. I groaned. Maybe his cable wouldn't be working when this hit the news.

Unable to avoid the obvious any longer, I brought my attention back to the man in black.

"Hey Ranger, what's up," I tried to keep my tone light, conversational even. I didn't want him to see me sweat. I silently chanted RangeMan Rule 26: _Never let the enemy know your weakness or you could get dead and cause a shit load of red tape._ Yeah, I know a lot of rules ended with '_...get dead and cause a shit load of red tape'_. Actually now that I think about it, lots of them also ended with '_...and Babe, duck and cover when it explodes.'_ Hey, that rule could've applied to any of the guys, right?

I knew I could do this; the key was to be convincing. Breathe. Just remember, you were the best damn tree in Miss Hartman's Grade One class play. Everyone said so. Mom to this day pulled out a clipping from the _Trenton Elementary School Newspaper_ to show company.

"You said you needed help." Pause. "You hung up." I looked into his eyes. I looked for signs of the 'Oh that Stephanie, she does get herself into the darndest situations' amused look. Nada. I tried the Yogi mind ray shooting trick on Ranger. What? It almost worked on Mom! Something was happening. I felt his eyes pierce my own.

"Speak." Holy Jedi Mind Tricks, he had his own Yogi mental ray shooter thingy. I had to think fast. I quickly erected a mental wall. I reinforced the weak areas and rallied the troops. I went to Defcon 1. He was too strong. My defences were failing. My will was bending to his wishes. Danger, danger, Will Robinson. Surrender was eminent.

He waited. I blew out a breath and recited, "RangeMan Rule 19: _Never, unless under the most dire of circumstances including, but not limited to, imminent death, a terrorist attack, a threat to or breach in homeland security, or an impending natural disaster of catastrophic magnitude, should one hang up on Ranger. EVER."_ I stuck out my tongue. Well in my mind I did, I hadn't totally lost touch with reality.

"Code Green. Goldilocks and the Big Bad Wolf are heading back to the forest. Tell Mama Bear to get the cottage ready." Ranger spoke into that cute little neck microphone thingy and then suddenly he lifted me into a waiting SUV and we drove away from the scene of the crime.

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

"So, um, probably it's important to keep the guys on their toes. You know, practise real life disaster scenarios, test their response times. You wouldn't want them getting rusty, right?" I squinched my eyes shut.

"Babe."

Ranger wrapped his arms around me pulling my back into his chest as we sank into the couch. Two very sexy, well formed, muscular Cuban thighs encircled my legs making me feel safe. He snuggled his face in my hair and kissed my neck. He loved me

"I do," he whispered in my ear. ESP. I melted.

I had a lot to tell Ranger about Grandma's latest adventure that awaited us in California. Since the couch wasn't exactly conducive to long discussions we decided to take our conversation to the bedroom, where I could get into my thinking position.

_**x x**_ _**x x x **_

We were up all night and I still didn't get to have that talk with Ranger. He felt it was more important as my Employer to teach me the intimate details involved in the 'Art of Negotiation'. Ranger was such a giver. He rolled on top, pinning me to the bed with a wolfish leer on his face, as he jingled the handcuffs suggestively.

"Goldilocks, I think we need to practise Plea Bargaining some more."

Oh boy. I was pretty sure we were going to miss breakfast. I looked over at my old high school uniform and fur covered man's thong lying on the floor beside the bed.

I tried to explain to Ranger that he was getting the fairy tale all wrong. I told him that there was no big, bad wolf in the Goldilocks story. She didn't wear a Catholic school girl uniform and she was never tied up. He just licked his lips.

He slid down my body and growled, "The better to eat you with my dear—."

Yep, we could probably have that talk after lunch, for sure.

_**(Dim Lights)**_

_**(Music plays in the background, **__**Wolf at the Door**__**, Radiohead) **_

_** xx go to youtube and search **__**Wolf at the Door**__**, Radiohead to increase your viewing pleasure xx**_

xx A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa) and Mud for editing and support xx


	4. Chapter 4

_xx__ not mine, not making any money __xx_

_**x **__**x **____**x **____**x**____** x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

_______**'It isn't easy being a Superhero, but someone has to do it.'**_

_______**x **__**x**____** x**____** x**____** x**_

_____________**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_____________We were up all night and I still didn't get to have that talk with Ranger. He felt it was more important as my Employer to teach me the intimate __details involved in the 'Art of Negotiation'. Ranger was such a giver. He rolled on top, pinning me to the bed with a wolfish __leer on his face, as he jingled the handcuffs suggestively. _

_____________"Goldilocks, I think we need to practice Plea Bargaining some more." _

_____________Oh boy. I was pretty sure we were going to miss breakfast. I looked over at my old high school uniform and fur covered man's thong lying on the floor beside the bed._

_____________I tried to explain to Ranger that he was getting the fairy tale all wrong. I told him that there was no big, bad wolf in the Goldilocks story. She didn't wear a Catholic school girl uniform and she was never tied up. He just licked his lips._

_____________He slid down my body and growled, "The better to eat you with my dear—." _

_____________Yep, we could probably have that talk after lunch, for sure. _

_____________ (Dim Lights)_

_____________(Music plays in the background____, Wolf__ at the Door, ____Radiohead)___

___________________xx____ search: __Radiohead____, Wolf at the Door__ on '__youtube__' to increase your viewing pleasure!____ xx_

_**x ****x**** x**** x**** x**_

_____________________________**Chapter Four**_

It felt like a scene from that 'Home Alone' movie and I was the kid with his hands on his cheeks screaming. People were running all over the fourth floor Common Room in the RangeMan building, like crazed lunatics in varying stages of undress, with luggage piled everywhere. Lula and Grandma Mazur were pushing and shoving each other trying to squeeze through the bathroom door at the same time. Who would win out in the end? I had my money on Grandma; Lula had a sizable booty in her favour but Grandma fought dirty.

I blew out a tired breath. At this rate, we were never going to make it to the airport in time to catch our flight to California.

I wondered if this building had an attic where I could hide away until everyone left for the airport. They would never miss me. I slipped my hands into my front jeans' pockets, rocked back and forth on my heels, whistled quietly and looked around nonchalantly like a woman without a care in the world. I began inching myself slowly, stealthily, towards the Exit door to the stairs. I was almost there...just a few more feet when suddenly, from behind me, I felt a strong hand clamp down firmly on my shoulder, preventing my escape.

"Going somewhere, _Babe_?" Ranger used his 'Don't mess with me, I'm a bad-ass bounty hunter' voice. "You weren't thinking about leaving me alone with this motley crew, were you?" Yikes!

"Uh, no?" I didn't sound very convincing.

"Babe, do you need a refresher course on the RangeMan Employee Handbook? I can arrange to have Lester go over it with you," he paused for dramatic effect, "point-by-point." The memory of my last session with Lester was still fresh in my mind. It was too horrible to think about.

"NO! No, Ranger, I remember," I quickly replied and then recited from memory, "RangeMan Rule 84 subsection c) addendum i) _Never allow Grandma Mazur within two feet of Ranger unless she is accompanied by at least two persons on the pre-approved list of acceptable body guards, or she could get dead and cause a shit load of red tape."_ Ranger said it was a legitimate addition to the Handbook even though it was hand written in the margin. Merely an editing oversight, he had assured me.

"Just remember, Babe, it was _your_ idea for me and the guys to join you on this trip. _You_ said you wanted help controlling your grandmother, keeping her out of trouble." I glanced up at him and felt duly guilty for my previous thoughts.

"Well then, I think we understand each other," he warned. He squinted and gave me the whole two finger pointing in a 'V' thing, going back and forth between his eyes and mine silently giving me notice, 'I'm watching you so don't even think about it.'

Resigned to my fate, I joined the scattered fray. I'm not sure when Grandma's _entourage_, as she liked to call us, got so big. Grandma had agreed to have the lawsuit filed against her by the new owners of Stiva's Funeral Parlor dismissed, if she agreed to have the case heard on the television show, Judge Judy. She was allowed to bring with her to California—all expenses paid—sufficient witnesses to support her case. Before we knew it, it seemed like everyone and their dog had witnessed the alleged events that had transpired on the night in question.

_**x ****x ****x ****x**** x**_

We finally made it down to the parking garage, with luggage in hand. I started ticking off bodies as they got into the airport shuttle van.

"Mooner check, Dougie check, Lula check, Sally check, Grandma Mazur check, Mr. Schlemtsky—huh?"

"Uh, Mr. Schlemtsky, what are you doing here?"

Grandma piped up, "You don't expect me to show up in Hollywood without a 'boy toy' do you? Besides, he's here in a professional capacity. Every entourage has to have a personal masseuse. Don't you ever watch Entertainment Tonight?"

Mr. Schlemtsky leered at me and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Bleck. The vision of his hands moving around Grandma's loose, wrinkled, chicken skin started my facial twitch again. I decided to just focus on the task at hand and looked back down at my list.

"Me check, Ranger—?" hold the phone, where was Ranger? I lifted my head up just in time to see Ranger, Tank and Lester getting into his Porsche Cayenne Turbo. What the hell?

"Babe, I thought we would meet you at the airport. Leave more room for everyone in the van." Oh yeah, _riiight_ That was Ranger: Mr. Considerate, Mr. Sensitive, Mr. '_I'm So Full of Shit_.' He chuckled and gave me his own little finger wave through the window before the Porsche squealed out of the parking garage leaving me behind in a cloud of smoke and dust. Smartass. Try Mr. '_I'm Not Getting Any Tonight_,' I thought dryly.

On the way to the airport I sat sulking in the back seat of the shuttle van feeling like a sardine sandwich, squished between Lula and Sally.

'Crap,' I thought, 'this chapter was half over and we still hadn't even made it to the airport yet. _Who the hell was writing this story anyway_?'

I tried to find my happy place. I used a visualization technique Tank had taught me in 'Meditation for Dummies—Remedial Class'. Apparently, _Management _felt that I still had some suppressed anger issues that needed to be addressed. I think it had something to do with me shooting out all four tires on Joyce Bernhardt's new Honda CR-V in the mall parking lot last Christmas.

Thinking back about that particular day left me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Pulling out my gun, and blasting the shit out her SUV..._mmmm that was good, that was so GOOD!_ Hey, at least my gun had bullets, right? And that skank did have it coming to her!

It was one thing to take 'The Dick' on my dining room table, literally, but when she stole my parking spot in front of Macy's Department Store for their 'Day After Christmas Sale', I had no choice. I clearly had 'first on the scene' rights to Mrs. Treble's parking space that she was vacating and had laid claim to said rights with the universally accepted, left indicator flashing. It was justifiable vehicular-cide and that's the story I was sticking with.

_Management _also felt it would be beneficial if I attended the 'Firearm Sensitivity Seminar', or what Lester liked to call affectionately, 'How Love Your Gun in 10 Easy Steps...and Not Get Arrested'.

I relaxed and searched my mind for a soothing, tranquil carefree image that I could focus on. I visualized myself in a scene from my favourite Disney movie, Snow White, but I preferred to call my version, 'Snow Plum'.

_**(Begin Dream Sequence) **_

_I sat on animated, digitally remastered forest floor surrounded by adorable, furry cartoon forest creatures. _

_♪"Ahh-ah-ah-ah,"♪ I sang in my best Betty Boop voice, enhanced with Dolby Surround Sound as I clasped my hands to my chest. A baby blue bird sitting on a nearby branch looked on and chirped sweetly, mirroring my voice._

_♪"Ahh-ah-ah-ah,"♪ I sang again and my new feathered friend echoed in return._

_♪"Ahhhhhh,-ah-ah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,"♪ The bird flew to my outstretched hand and landed on my extended index finger. He tried to chirp gaily, mimicking my song but ended on a shrill note. I giggled softly._

_♫ "With a smile and a song, life is just like a bright, sunny day, your cares fade away—" ♫_

—visions of Ranger tied to various torture devices (and not in a good way) invaded my mind. This was not working. Thankfully we had arrived at Newark Liberty International's Passenger Drop-off Area and I was forced back to reality.

As I leaned forward to get out of the van, a hand reached in and helped me down. It was the _Dirtbag. _The scum-sucking, toe jam-eating, shit-faced—he handed me a donut. I looked up and smiled.

Where was I? Oh yeah, do I have the best boyfriend in the world or what!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know I'm easily distracted but the man _was_ carrying nirvana with a creamy filling. Besides, he could always make it up to me when we were alone. Maybe tonight we would play 'Fill the Pastry'. Yum!

_**x ****x ****x ****x ****x**_

Getting through security went surprisingly smoothly and I started to relax. Grandma was the last person to go through the metal detector and then we could head to the Boarding Area.

'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.'

"Oopsie," she giggled sheepishly and proceeded to take off the offending metal item, her wrist watch. She walked through the detector again.

'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.' Well hell! This time she removed loose coin from her pockets, three rings, a gold chain, a pair of earrings and a metal clip from her hair. Third time's the charm, right?

'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.' The female security guard pulled Grandma aside and picked up the metal-detecting wand.

"What are you picking on an old lady for? This here is discrimination, age discrimination! You got something against old people, huh?" I could tell Grandma was just getting warmed up.

"Did your momma drop you on the head or something when you were a baby. Don't you have some real criminals to go after? It's not like I have a b—." Ranger clamped his hand over Grandma's mouth. Thank God for ESP. If she had finished her sentence with the word 'bomb' we would never have made our flight.

The security guard waved the wand over Grandma's body from head to toe looking for anything made of metal. Why was I _not_ surprised when the wand kept 'beeping' whenever it passed over Grandma's nether regions?

"Grandma," I hesitated. "Is there something you want to tell me?" She looked far too pleased with herself.

"Well, you know after I went to the salon and got all waxed up, I thought it looked kind of bare down there so I said to myself, 'Wouldn't some pretty, shiny jewellery look real spiffy.'

"Un," I replied and then gave her the hand signal with a slight variation. This one said, _"You are in so much trouble Missy when we get home. Wait until I tell your daughter what you did."_

We were so going to miss our flight. Ranger gave me the one eyebrow lift in a silent question. I knew we would never make our plane without some kind of divine intervention. Resigned, I answered with an almost imperceptible nod of my head.

_**(Cue Slow Motion Sequence)**_

_Ranger, ever so slowly lifted his head and looked directly into the eyes of Airport Security Guard, Miss Rebecca Margaret Wallace. He slowly reached up and released the leather cord that held his long, silky hair. He gave his head a gentle shake allowing his hair to flow freely swishing from side to side like he was in an Herbal Essence Shampoo commercial. This was the Ranger equivalent to Superman stepping into a phone booth and changing into his crime fighting costume._

_He looked down at her name tag._

_"Rrrrebecca, is it?" He asked rrrolling his rrr's, using his sexy, Cuban accent that was usually rrreserved for our bedroom. Jinkies! My drenched panties were evidence that even I wasn't immune to his superpowers._

_"Y-y-y-yes?" she managed to squeak out. She was a formidable opponent. I was surprised that she was actually capable of semi-coherent speech. _

_"You don't need to retain this nice, harmless senior citizen. She is free to go on her way. Have a nice day." He never broke his gaze._

_In a monotone voice, Rebecca repeated, "I don't need to retain this nice, harmless senior citizen. She is free to go on her way. Have a nice day."_

_I looked down at the gelatinous pool of goo that was once, one Miss Rebecca Margaret Wallace. _

_'Damn,' I thought, 'this man was lethal'. Thank God, he only used his super powers for good in the fight against crime...and airport security guards._

_**x ****x**** x**** x**** x**_

_**(Voice Over)**_

Our hero, champion of the underdog, rejoined his companions as they prepared to board their flight, ready at a moment's notice to fight against evil, social injustice and tyranny...even in California.

_**(Shift Scene to Plane Flying Off Into The Sunset)**_

_**(Music plays in the background, Holding Out for a Hero, FrouFrou)**_

_xx search: FrouFrou, Holding Out for a Hero on 'youtube' to increase your viewing pleasure! xx_

TBC

_xx_ A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa) and Mud for editing and support _xx_


	5. Chapter 5

_xx_ _not mine, not making any money xx_

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**All A-bored Flight CO65'**_

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_I looked down at the gelatinous pool of goo that was once, one Miss Rebecca Margaret Wallace. _

'_Damn,' I thought, 'this man was lethal'. Thank God, he only used his super powers for good in the fight against crime...and airport security guards. _

_x x_ _x x x_

_(Voice Over)_

_Our hero, champion of the underdog, rejoined his companions as they prepared to board their flight, ready at a moment's notice to fight against evil, social injustice and tyranny...even in California._

_(Shift Scene to Plane Flying Off Into The Sunset)_

_(Music plays in the background, Holding Out for a Hero, Frou Frou)_

_xx__search: Frou Frou, __Holding Out for a Hero__, on 'youtube' to increase your viewing pleasure!_

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

**Chapter Five**

I definitely did not want to get on this plane. Nope. No way. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I had been worried about missing the flight. It wasn't that I hated flying, per se. The problem was that I just knew this flight was going to be a replay of the airport shuttle van scene, with me in a sardine sandwich between Lula and Sally. For the entire six hour and three minute flight to Los Angeles (I know, I looked it up), I could see my face smushed between Lula and Sally's armpits in one of those tiny Economy Class seats where if you had an itchy nose, the person beside you would have to scratch it. I started to hyperventilate. The walls were closing in on me. Okay, so maybe I was in a wide open space in the Boarding Area, but if the walls had been even somewhat near to where I was standing, I'm pretty sure they would've been closing in on me.

Ranger realized that I was no longer walking beside him when our hands started to pull apart. He glanced back at me.

"Babe." He was so eloquent.

He sighed. Yeah, _my_ Ranger sighed. "Check your ticket."

I looked down at my boarding pass. The invisible light bulb over my head clicked on and started blinking.

"I had all of the tickets upgraded to First Class and you'll be sitting with me," confirmed Ranger. What a guy! And he's _my guy_!

"I am." He agreed. "Yours." ESP. I looked up at him adoringly. Did I care that I was sporting a ginormous goofy grin on my face? Nope! Did I tell you that I love this man?

He pulled me into a tight hug. "They know," he said amused. Wow, and I had always thought his ESP only worked on me. I smiled at him shaking my head. I don't know why I even bothered with actual speech. His ESP _did_ have some very pleasurable benefits however.

Late at night when we were have serious theological discussions and Ranger was _demonstrating__ the existence of a Supreme Being,_ I was spared from such trite comments as "Yessss, right there...no, wait go back...a little harder...oh yeah, _faster,__faster_." This allowed me to focus all of my vocal abilities on screaming my praises to God, Allah, Jehovah, Shiva and Ganesh. Though born and bred a Catholic, when faced with such deeply, spiritually moving epiphanies, I was non partisan.

As we settled into our seats I glanced around the cabin. I was surprised when I realized that we were the only occupants in First Class. Our little group did take up most the seats in the cabin, but there were still a few empty ones and I was pretty sure they had been occupied when we had first sat down.

Apparently, the other First Class passengers had suddenly decided that they would be more comfortable in the cramped, Economy Class sections of the plane. Huh. I'm sure it had nothing to do with my travelling companions who were, I must say, looking their finest. I chuckled fondly. They were truly a sight to behold. I felt like a proud mama bear looking over her cubs. Can you feel the love?

Let me set the scene. Lula was all fuchsia-y and spandex-y in a tube dress—I used the term 'dress' loosely—that did nothing to cover the over abundance of 'junk in her trunk'. I'd shuddered earlier when I noticed she had the strangest tattoo on her—ugh. I made a mental note _not_ to stand behind her again while she was wearing this dress. Ranger nodded his head in agreement. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Jeesh, Ranger, can you at least wait for me to say it out loud?" He shrugged and went back to his Green Lantern comic book. Research, he informed me.

Sally was going through his 'Madonna Blonde Ambition Tour' phase, circa 1990, complete with pointed conical bra, gold lame corset, fish net stocking and knee high boots. I was really happy I wasn't sitting beside him on this flight. My left eye was still sore from when he coned me in the shuttle van earlier.

After Ranger's encounter with the security guard at the airport terminal, Mooner and Dougie had run to the nearest phone booth and changed into their Superhero costumes that they had packed in their carry-on luggage 'just in case.' I didn't have the heart to tell them that Superman always chose to change in a phone booth with a door. And walls.

Ranger wasn't so happy with this latest development. Mooner and Dougie had somehow gotten it into their heads that they were members of the American Justice League _with Ranger_ as their fearless leader. Thank you Tank and Lester. They kept calling him 'Boss Dude' or 'Captain RangeMan' and followed him everywhere; they wouldn't leave him alone. Again, _thank you_ Tank and Lester; they sniggered.

Mr. Schlemtsky and Grandma Mazur, sitting together in the second row of seats, made quite the pair. He wore knee high socks and had a very loud, very colourful Hawaiian shirt that was tucked into his equally loud and equally colourful knee-length shorts. How he had managed to hike his shorts up to just under his arm pits, I'll never know.

Beside him Grandma Mazur was being, well, Grandma Mazur. She had opted for a 1950's 'old Hollywood al a Norma Desmond' style. Unfortunately, it ended up looking more like Carol Burnett's deranged version with wild ostrich feathers everywhere and extreme black eye-liner and red lipstick drunkenly applied. A long sequined gown beautifully showcased her somewhat ample and sagging bosom as it hung down near her waist. I expected Grandma at any moment to look up with her head drawn back and say, 'Alright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.'

Since Tank and Lester were sitting closest to the washrooms they were assigned the undesirable task of trying to prevent Grandma and Mr. Schlemtsky from joining the 'Mile High Club'. Ranger said it had nothing to do with the whole 'American Justice League thing' they'd started, but then he added under his breath, "Payback's a bitch, suckas."

Keeping an eye on Grandma Mazur and Mr. Schlemtsky proved to be quite challenging for Tank and Lester, as they were very persistent, very crafty and very slippery, literally. I'm not sure if it was totally because they had slicked oil all over their bodies—it provided less friction Grandma advised—or because their skin seemed to slide around on their bony frames whenever Tank or Lester tried to stop them from sneaking past.

By the end of the first hour into our flight, I could tell my fellow passengers were bored and antsy. With everyone finding the tiniest excuse to get out of their seats, Tank and Lester were having a hard time keeping track of their two wily charges. Finally, a very exasperated and pissed-off Tank and Lester, forced everyone in the cabin to raise their hands if they needed anything. If they wanted to get out of their seats for any reason, including using the facilities, they would need to ask for permission. Incensed, I slouched in my seat with my arms crossed over my chest. I would rather wait until we got to the hotel to use the washroom, than have to suffer such indignation. I just really hoped the in flight movie didn't have an ocean in it...or a waterfall...a river... running tap...well, any water really.

"Oh piss," I mumbled anxiously as I started to squirm in my seat.

Rounding out our band of wayward travellers were the three afore mentioned, extremely large, muscled, totally scary looking, and hot as hell bad-asses dressed in black from head to toe. Oh, and then there was little ol' me.

I shrugged and decided that it was their loss if the other passengers didn't want to sit with us as I snuggled into my very spacious, very comfy, very First Class seat and promptly fell asleep.

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

Some time later, Ranger began shaking me gently awake. The scent of food wafting from the covered tray placed in front of me, titillated my olfactory nerves. Thank God, dinner was being served. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose. I used my hands in a waving motion towards my face encouraging the aromatic compounds to flow up into my nasal passages. Without takng the cover off of the tray, I sat back in my seat and contemplated the complexity and multiplicity of flavours that demanded my attention. Using only my sense of smell, I began the task of systematically separating each distinctive scent.

Ah, chilled lobster accompanied by Du Barry sauce was the appetizer, I nodded to myself approvingly. Another deep breath in through my nose detected Mesclun salad mix and romaine lettuce tossed with roasted yellow tomato, red onion and fresh mozzarella cheese. Oh well, I could always give _that_ to Ranger.

Satisfied with my assessment so far, I leaned forward, breathing in deeply and was rewarded with the delectable fragrances of grilled sterling silver tenderloin steak accented by chimichurri sauce, grilled carrots, mushrooms, red bell pepper, broccoli florets, and spicy rice with corn, jalapeno peppers, sour cream and cheese...oh, and freshly baked garlic bread.1 Mmmm, that smelled so good! I was salivating worse than Pavlov's dog.

Before I completed the total orgasmic experience of banqueting on this epicurean feast placed before me, I did a quick body count of the cabin; once I began eating, I wanted no interruptions!

I noticed with a start, that we were short two Junior Justice League members. Ranger shot me a glare that said very clearly, 'Don't_you_ start with that, too.' Hey I ESPed. Go me!

"Babe," he warned, "I'm sure there's a RangeMan Rule that covers this."

"...Or at least there will be when we get home," he muttered under his breath.

I observed that the 'Keepers of the Lavatory', aka Tank and Lester, had fallen asleep on the job. Humph! Why was it when I fell asleep on the job, everyone joked about it and I was forced to take Bobby's one-day workshop, 'The Adverse and Potentially Fatal Effects of Sleep Deprivation on Job Performance'. Or as it was later renamed in my honour, 'Hey, I Didn't Fall Asleep On My Desk. I Like Having a Donut Stuck to My Forehead'.

The worse part of the whole 'falling asleep on my desk while eating a Boston Cream' was that it took me a full five minutes to even notice the damn thing was stuck there. I guess the chocolate glaze acted like glue. So sue me, I'm not the most alert person when I first wake up. And those freakin' guys didn't say a freakin' word but kept finding feakin' excuses to walk by my cubicle giggling like school girls. Freakin' A! Finally, Tank walked by, grabbed it off of my forehead and shoved it in his mouth; I guess he'd missed lunch.

Looking over at Tank and Lester curled up like babies sleeping in their seats, it was obvious that they were breaking RangeMan rule 25 that clearly stated, _Sleep loss and/or deprivation jeopardises the optimal functioning of personnel resulting in reduced attention and vigilance leading to human error while on the job. The ability to be vigilant and reaction time decreases as fatigue sets in and can lead to potentially dangerous situations resulting in serious accidents or even fatalities especially when handling highly volatile materials...and for God's sake Babe, duck and cover when it explodes._

I turned to Ranger and was about to rat out Lester and Tank, when I suddenly remembered one of the 'Super-Top-Secret RangeMan Rules.' Lester had made me swear to never speak about it aloud...even to Ranger. No wait, actually I think his exact words were '..._especially to Ranger.'_ Huh.

One afternoon when Lester had been reviewing the Handbook with me, he had, after looking around nervously, taken a small folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me in a very Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible-ish kind of way. After allowing me a full five minutes to read and memorize its contents, Lester made me destroy the evidence by eating the scrap piece of paper and had me vow to never divulge this top-secret rule even under threat of severe pain and/or death. He said that by taking this vow I would became part of the 'RangeMan Inner Sanctum'. Wow! I'd tittered with giddy delight; I was really starting to feel like one of the team. Lester chortled softly back. I'm pretty sure he was laughing with me not at me. Silently I repeated to myself the Super-Top-Secret RangeMan Rule 3: '_Nobody likes a tattle tale.'_

_**x x**_ _**x x x**_

My spidey senses began tingling. This was _sooo_ not good...

"Crimminy cliffhanger," I looked over to Ranger alarmed, "this airplane scene has been going on for too long. I just know it's going to turn out to be a two-parter."

Ranger lifted his shoulders slightly with mild derision that clearly meant, 'Yo, don't look at me, I don't write this shit!'

Fear took hold of me, "But...but...but what's going to happen? She can't leave us like _this! _I _need_ to know! When will she _update_???"

Ranger gave me a noncommittal tip of his head, then with a sly smile and a single raised eyebrow offered, "Ya know Babe, word on the street has it that she's a real review slut sooo..."

He left the rest of the sentence unfinished.

"That_ Bitch_ is going to hold us hostage," I gasped as the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

**_(The evil, manic laughter from a delusional Megalomaniac is heard over the P.A. system)_**

"Mwu-haha...MWU-HUHAHAHAHA...**MU-WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!**"

_**(Dissolve scene as Stephanie makes frantic imaginary writing motions in the air with her hand as she looks pleadingly into Camera A)**_

TBC

_A/N: I'm just sayin...hehe! _

1 I'm not creative enough to think up such a delectable, mouth-watering feast that was placed before Stephanie. If it had been left up to me, she would have been eating Mac and Cheese. The gourmet meal was taken from an actual menu offered by Continential Airlines for a flight from New Jersey to Hawaii, First Class. God, I love the internet!

_xx_ A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa) and Mud for editing and support _xx_


	6. Chapter 6

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

_**x x x x x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

_**'It all started with a spoonful of mashed potatoes.'**_

_**x x x x x**_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_My spidey sense__ began tingling...This was sooo not good..._

_"Crimminy cliffhanger," I looked over to Ranger alarmed, "this airplane scene has been going on for too long. I just know it's going to turn out to be a two-parter."_

_Ranger lifted his shoulders slightly with mild derision that clearly meant, 'Yo, don't look at me, I don't write this shit!'_

_Fear took hold of me, "But...but...but what's going to happen? She can't leave us like this! I need to know! __When will she update???"_

_Ranger gave me a noncommittal tip of his head, then with a sly smile and a single raised eyebrow offered, "Ya know Babe, word on the street has it that she's a real review slut sooo..." _

_He left the rest of the sentence unfinished._

_"That Bitch is going to hold us hostage," I gasped as the realization hit me like a ton of bricks._

_(The evil, manic laughter from a delusional Megalomaniac is heard over the P.A. system)_

_"Mwahaha...MU-HUHAHA...MU-WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"_

_(Dissolve scene as Stephanie makes frantic imaginary writing motions in the air with her hand as she looks pleadingly into Camera A)_

_**x x x x x**_

**Chapter Six**

My spidey sense was still tingling...

Dougie and Mooner came out the washroom, going for a look of innocence, well, attempting to anyway. They were tittering like idiots and waving their hands around their faces trying to dissipate the faint cannabis-smelling smoke that followed them out of the cubicle. I sat up straight in my seat craning my neck so I could do a quick search the cabin for a sign of any Continental Airlines personnel. Noting the area was clear, I blew out a relived breath and thanked the fate gods as Dougie and Mooner managed to make it back to their seats without incident. Potential disaster averted. I turned my attention back to my food tray and licked my lips.

Something was still not right. My spidey sense remained on high alert and sweat began forming on my brow. Ominous music started to play in the background over the P.A. system. Ominous music is _never_a good sign; a shiver of terror crept up my spine. This was fast turning into another 'B' rated horror movie. What the hell...I_so_ did not sign up for this. My agent had assured me this was going to be a Romantic Comedy. I didn't see how this could _not_ end badly.

I flung the cover off of my tray and began shovelling food into my mouth. I tried to tell Ranger that he should be doing the same as this might be the last chance we had to eat for a while, but I don't think he understood what I was trying to say. What a time for his ESP to be on the fritz. He might have been a little distracted by the chunks of food that were spewing out of my mouth as I was trying to talk. Screw him. He was the one who taught me, 'Life is a war. To survive is a struggle.' At moments like this, it was every man or woman for themselves. I looked down at my food tray and redoubled my efforts.

We could have been about to face total engine failure, but I was _not_ going to miss my dinner. It had been like _forever_ since I'd eaten last. Well, _forever_if you didn't count the large bag of Cheese Doodles I munched on in the shuttle van, the half bag of Oreo cookies I inhaled at the Security checkpoint and the Snickers bars I'd scarfed down in the Boarding Area. A girl's gotta eat, right?

_**x x x x x**_

...It all started with one very big, very well aimed spoonful of mashed potatoes...that smacked Lula directly in the back of her head. I had my suspicions about who was to blame for launching the initial attack (I glared at Grandma) but I lacked sufficient corroborating evidence to confirm my suspicions. I wasn't sure if the motivation for the attack was boredom or the fact that Grandma hadn't totally forgiven Lula for the bathroom incident this morning. I would later remember this though, as the defining moment when I knew my life had changed irrevocably. The chaos that ensued was of "biblical proportions". To quote my favourite movie, I looked to the Merry Men for assistance.

"Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling," Tank started.

"Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes..." Lester continued in a raised voice.

"The dead rising from the grave," Ranger added with foreboding.

"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria," I finished. Okay, it was a slight exaggeration, but I'd always wanted to quoteGhostbusters.

Lula, never one to back down from a challenge, retaliated in kind with a handful of mashed potatoes from her own dinner tray. Her shot scattered before it hit its intended target and ended up spraying everyone sitting within a ten foot radius. I couldn't help but admire Lula's technique. Although she lost points for accuracy, she definitely made up for it with 'a quick response time' and 'maximum area covered in a single shot'. The next thing I knew, handfuls from all of the food groups were flying back and forth through the air. The flight attendants were crying hysterically while trying to regain some semblance of order, but it was to no avail.

At one point the co-pilot poked his head out of the cockpit to see what all the commotion was about. He was rewarded with an herbed breast of chicken, complimented with a creamy mushroom sauce, in the face. I heard him scream to the pilot something about total chaos, possible security threats and radioing ahead for assistance before he slammed and locked the cockpit door. Fuck! Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ranger had remained completely unscathed throughout the entire attack until one perfectly aimed blob of whipped cream hit him squarely in the centre of his chest. Tank really liked to live on the edge. You had to admire him for that, I guess.

Uh oh! Ranger slowly raised himself out of his seat standing up to his full height. He had the presence of Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments. He took a deep breath, and bellowed in a booming voice worthy of Moses on top of Mount Sinai, "**ENOUGH!**"

I swear he shook the very walls of the plane.

Everyone froze in place, not daring to move even a finger and as quickly as 'The Great Food Fight of Flight CO65'—as it was later coined by Lester—had started, it was over. The rest of the flight was somewhat anticlimactic as the dinner trays and food were cleared away, and everyone settled in for an after-dinner nap. Wreaking havoc was tiring work.

_**x x x x x**_

The seatbelt sign came on and I blew out a relieved breath, glad that we were landing soon. This relief was short-lived when I looked out the window as we were making our final descent and I noticed what was awaiting us on the tarmac. Emergency trucks, police vehicles and news vans were everywhere. Shit, we were going to be the opening story for the eleven o'clock news.

I really hoped that they didn't have cable at Shady Pines, the _'resort'_ as mom preferred to call it, where she had been _'vacationing'_ for the past month. Dad and three psychiatrists had strongly suggested that she needed some quiet time to regroup after the whole_'RangeMan__Disaster Preparedness Training Session' _from Chapter Three. Yes, I even had myself convinced that it had been a training exercise and not a large-scale FUBAR on my part. It was official—I had moved out of the State of New Jersey and now presently resided in the State of Denial. Denial really was such a lovely place to live this time of year. Picture yourself "in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies..."

On the whole, Mom really seemed to be doing much better these days. The staff spent a lot of time talking to her about her 'unhealthy patterns of behaviour'—see I wasn't the only one— and she was learning to develop some coping mechanisms that weren't found at the bottom of a bottle. I think she was even beginning to channel her own inner Ghandi. Mind you, her inner Ghandi probably had a freshly starched and ironed dohti and still had the plastic on his lamp shades.

Oh, great. If Mom ever caught wind of this incident, it could definitely cause a setback and extend her um... '_holiday_,'

I reached up and felt the chunks of food embedded in my hair. I glanced down at myself; I was covered in a smorgasbord of extra creamy mashed potatoes, tortellini with marinara sauce, mustard and apricot glaze, and chocolate mousse with real whipped cream that were all smushed together to make a lovely shade of baby poop. I could just imagine the picture of me that would grace the front page of the Trenton newspaper and it _would_ make the Trenton newspaper; of that, there was no doubt in my mind.

I thought that, since this whole misadventure had begun back in Trenton, I had remained relatively calm and had handled each situation with a certain amount of decorum. I definitely thought that I'd collected enough merit points to earn the RangeMan 'Demonstrating Calm in the Face of Impending Doom' badge. I'd kept my sense of humour throughout everything that had happened, but this...this was the last straw. It was bad enough to actually live through them, but to know that my most embarrassing moments would be televised for the entire world and my mom to see...well, it was just too much.

Damn, this was all my fault; I should have kept a closer eye on Grandma Mazur for mom. Yep, as if on cue, my good ol' Catholic guilt I'd come to know so well growing up—thanks Mom—arrived to rear its ugly head and overwhelm me.

My lower lip started to quiver as I tried to fight back a sob. I looked away from Ranger; I did not want him to see me cry. Shit. There was nothing that could save this day from going down the toilet as the worst day in my entire life. I took a few stuttered breaths as I unsuccessfully tried to maintain my composure. Ranger gently took my chin between his fingers and forced me to look at him. I could see his eyes drift over me in quiet assessment. I knew that I looked like crap, a total screw-up, while he only sported the slightest hint of an almost small white stain on his black t-shirt. Damn it all to hell! Tears welled in my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Ranger waited for me to open my eyes before reaching inside his jacket. He withdrew a small distinctive blue box wrapped in the signature white ribbon. My eyes widened and I gasped, choking back a sob. Ranger got out of his seat and bent down on one knee in the aisle of the plane as he took my left hand in his. He ran his other hand through my goopy hair and looked lovingly into my eyes.

Everyone in the cabin suddenly froze in place and watched on in anticipation. I only had eyes for one man.

Ranger, a man of few words, raised one eye brow in a silent question. I answered with the quiet upturn of the corners of my mouth.

_**x x x x x**_

So there you have it. It turned out to be one of the best days of my life... and it all started with a spoonful of mashed potatoes.

TBC

_xx_ A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa), Mud, and Haleigh for editing and support _xx_

- Noel, thanks for your help with the little brain freeze I had with this chapter. I think I've passed through to the State of Denial in my travels a few times but I usually wear out my welcome!


	7. Chapter 7

_xx__ not mine, not making any money xx_

_**x x**__** x x x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

_**'Captain RangeMan's Kryptonite.'**_

_**x x**__** x x x**_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_Ranger waited for me to open my eyes before reaching inside his jacket. He withdrew a small distinctive blue box wrapped in the signature white ribbon. My eyes widened and I gasped, choking back a sob. Ranger got out of his seat and bent down on one knee in the aisle of the plane as he took my left hand in his. He ran his other hand through my goopy hair and looked lovingly into my eyes._

_Everyone in the cabin suddenly froze in place and watched on in anticipation. I only had eyes for one man._

_Ranger, a man of few words, raised one eye brow in a silent question. I answered with the quiet upturn of the corners of my mouth._

_**x**__** x**__** x x x**_

_So there you have it. It turned out to be one of the best days of my life... and it all started with a spoonful of mashed potatoes._

_**x x**__** x x x**_

**Chapter Seven**

_**(Scene at the Thompson Beverly Hills Hotel Restaurant, Hollywood, California)**_

"Nice outfit, Sally." I know. It was a lame attempt to distract my companions.

Sally was in vintage 1980s Madonna with the layered grunge look. Though over-the-top and with admirable attention to detail, Sally was still understated. Well, for Sally that is. I turned to Lula. Thank God, she looked normal. Well, normal for Lula—neon lime green spandex that was being tested for fibre fatigue under extreme duress—topped off with matching lime green FMP's, handbag, jewellery and hair extensions. An affront to your senses, probably, but at least I knew what to expect with Lula. No surprises. I turned to Grandma.

Grandma had given up her Norma Desmond-ish evening gown and accessories in favour of more subdued attire. Well, if you could call a faux leopard skin cropped jacket and matching Jackie O-style hat, paired with an A-line black skirt and finally black cat's eye glasses, subdued. Huh, what did it say about me that I just used such descriptors as 'normal', 'subdued' and 'understated' in reference to my three companions' ensembles?

I wondered if Grandma had remembered that we were in California and not Trenton when she chose this outfit. I wondered where Grandma came up with these outfits. I wondered if a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it, would it make a sound—crap, stay focused—and most importantly, I wondered _what the hell_ Grandma had on under her jacket.

I thought about all of the possible scenarios that could possibly play out once she stepped outside the very pleasant sixty-eight degree climate-controlled hotel lobby into the very hot, humid and sticky California air. Yes, of course we would have go to California while it was in the middle of a heat wave. Images flashed through my mind at break neck speed of Grandma taking off her jacket, sans anything underneath, a multi-car pile-up, riot ensuing, destruction of property, police, fire, emergency vehicles and personnel on the scene. News vans.

Shit! Shittey, shit, shit, shit, shit. I needed to stay on high alert; I _was so not_ going to end up on the news today! Uh uh. No way. I searched the recesses of my brain for something to help me in just such a situation. My mind was like a filing cabinet, and I was mentally grabbing and then flinging discarded folders, frantic to find something useful. No...no...no...HELL NO...no...hehe, Ranger that tickles...no...no...YES! _'The Book'_ had never let me down yet. RangeMan Rule 82: _When faced with a perceived or actual threat from enemy forces, be cognisant of your environment, know your enemy's strengths and weaknesses and use them to your advantage_.

There as also a footnote to that rule, addendum i)_ Also, it wouldn't hurt to note the location of all emergency exits, placement and number of fire extinguishers, smoke and CO2 detectors, presence/ lack there of a sprinkler system, and be prepared to call for reinforcements. Remember, the Police Bomb Squad is speed dial three...even in California._ Almost as an afterthought there was addendum ii) ..._And Babe duck and cover when it explodes._ I didn't really think the first addendum would be helpful once we left the hotel, but the second, well, you could never go wrong with that one.

I sat back in my chair and allowed myself to relax, satisfied that I had just come up with an ingenious strategy to deal with this situation. I would get Grandma shit-faced drunk until she passed out and lock her in the hotel room. I smiled. God, I was like a master military strategist! I would have to tell Ranger about my brilliant plan. It might even earn me the RangeMan "Thinking on Your Feet" badge. I looked around the table.

Frickin' hell! I'd been lost in my thoughts and forgotten my present company. I hung my head in resignation and waited. Lula didn't disappoint.

"Steph, could you pass me the syrup," she asked in a sickeningly sweet voice. I scowled. Finally, I picked up the syrup boat and thrust it at her as some sloshed over the top of the small glass pitcher.

"Um, could you please pass...um, a piece of toast." I glared at Grandma Mazur and then finally relented, smacking a piece into her waiting hand. She added it to the huge pile of toast that was already teetering precariously on her plate. Sally and Lula's plates looked much like Grandma Mazur's. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Lula signal the waitress with a wagging finger and mouth, 'More toast.' It appeared that Lula and Grandma Mazur had put aside their ongoing squabbling for the time being, to join forces. They had been relentless since the moment we had sat down for breakfast. Sally, not one to be left out, was no better.

"Be a love and pass me the bacon," Sally said. I slowly counted to ten. In an exaggerated motion and with steeled deliberation, I stretched out my left hand across the entire length of the table to reach the plate of bacon that had been sitting _right in front of Sally _and with shaking restraint, offered it to him. He nodded his thanks with an unabashed grin.

"Okay, that's it!" I threw my napkin onto the table. "I'm kicking ass and taking names of the next person who asks me to pass them anything. _God!_ I just want to eat my _damn_ breakfast in peace. Is that too much to ask?"

I looked around the table into the now woeful and repentant puppy dog eyes of my three female—sort of—companions. I looked up towards the ceiling. The big-ass anger balloon that had been inflating above my head over the past hour as breakfast progressed sprung a leak and went sailing around the restaurant making a 'pthpthpbthpthbthbt' sound until it landed limp and harmless on the carpeted floor at my feet. I softened.

"If you wanted to see my ring, all you have to do is ask," I said with the slightest hint of a shy smile.

I looked down at my left hand and stared at my ring finger in reverence. I couldn't stop the full blown grin that crossed my face, even if I'd tried.

"It really is a beautiful ring." I beamed, staring at my hand. The unique setting was custom-designed and the engagement ring was spectacular from every angle. In a dramatically sweeping gesture and with the grace and flourish of a hand model, I raised my left hand up to tuck a curl behind my ear and then poised it delicately near the centre of the table for all to admire.

I gave a sheepish smile. "Would anyone like some more toast?"

_**x x**__** x x x**_

_**(Meanwhile back in the Hotel Suite, Common Room)**_

"I'm thinking 'Moon Man' and 'Danger Dougie' sounds good," Tank said glancing over at Ranger sitting by the window.

"Naw, you need something more stylin'. What about 'Lunar Moon' and 'Panic,' Lester said also looking over at Ranger.

"Yo, what about 'Acid-Man' and 'Anti-Matter'? That seems somewhat appropriate." Tank smirked with satisfaction as he noticed that_ Ranger shifted ever so slightly in his chair. _

Feeling quite smug, he leaned back on the couch. They were finally making a chink in the armour of the original Black Knight.

Lester had a small laser penlight that he kept shining on the far wall and ceiling moving it around in a sporadic pattern while they were talking. Dougie and Mooner seemed enthralled with the red light and kept jumping up trying to swat at it with their hands.

"I like 'Freak' and 'Super Freak' myself. It does seem to have a certain irony to it," Mr. Schlemtsky said with a wry smile as he looked up from his newspaper. The old coot was alright, Tank thought to himself.

Dougie and Mooner stopped chasing the little red light on the wall and nodded in approval.

"Groovy man," Dougie said with a goofy smile.

"A most bodacious moniker that I will attempt to live up to," Mooner said trying for a serious expression on his face as he placed his left hand against the right side of his chest.

"Well, that settles it then, ladies and gentlemen. I present to you our two newest additions to the Junior Justice League: Freak and Super Freak," Tank said as the boys took a bow and then went back to chasing the dancing light. "Now, what else does a Superhero need?"

"OH...oh, oh, oh, oh!" Lester could barely contain his excitement as he bounced in his seat. "Shit man, you know what you guys_ really _need?" He looked at Dougie and Mooner, still wearing their Superhero outfits. He paused, causing the boys to squirm from the suspense.

"You guys real-ly need a super-secret Superhero hand shake that you could do with _Captain RangeMan_ here." Lester said, fighting back hysterics as he fell out of his chair and rolled onto the floor holding his stomach. _Ranger's left leg gave the slightest involuntary jerk. _

Tank rubbed his hands together in glee, "Dudes, you really couldn't be full fledged members of the American Justice League without a _direct_ phone line to the RangeMan himself. That way, you Superhero types can talk to each other _all the time,_ _day or night_ about Superhero stuff like saving the world from evil masterminds bent on world domination and such." He turned to face Ranger as he continued, "...And I can set you up with special cell phones that can do _just that._ Consider it my contribution in the fight against evil villains everywhere," he said with his arms spread wide open in a magnanimous gesture.

Dougie and Mooner began jumping up and down trying out some complicated hand gestures.

_Ranger got up from his chair and left the hotel room slamming the door behind him._ Tank and Lester did a complicated celebratory man-hand shake and began running around the room making 'touchdown' motions with their arms above their heads, congratulating themselves on breaking the will of the man of steel—or so they thought.

_**x x**__** x x x**_

___**(Common Room.**__** Replay of the same above events. Shift to Ranger's POV) **_

I was in my zone. To the untrained observer, my face remained stonily blank but inside there was a war waging.

'Ohmmmmm,' I hummed silently. Feeling Lester and Tank look over at me sitting in my arm chair beside the window, I gave them their due consideration; one of passing annoyance that you would give a bothersome fly.

Pffffft...amateurs. I chuckled inwardly, as I tuned out their inconsequential banter almost without effort.

Dammit! _What the hell_ was keeping Steph? It was taking all of my willpower not to think of all of the things I wanted to do to her right now. Hell, it wasn't my fault. It had been ages since we had spent some alone time together. Well okay, maybe it was yesterday morning but it felt like ages ago.

Stephanie was like my Kryptonite. Okay, so not a novel idea that's been used many times before, but it remained true nevertheless. She had been my weakness since almost the first day we met. After three long years of dicking around with the 'stealing kisses in the alley' bullshit, I had finally pulled my head out of my ass and went after what I wanted...and I wanted Stephanie Plum. It wasn't too hard really, I just cut Morelli enough slack to hang himself. It wasn't my fault he couldn't keep his dick in his pants and if there just so happened to be photos, that just so happened to reach Steph, then so be it. The imagery of Morelli's limp body swinging lifeless from a tree branch was pleasing.

Now that I had Steph, being apart from her seemed unimaginable; she completed me. She was like a drug and I needed a daily fix just to maintain my balance and concentration. I wanted to be her 'everything' as well.

Besides, we haven't even had a chance to properly celebrate our newly engaged status. That's a given isn't it? You're supposed to 'get some' after you hand over the ring, right? Isn't there an unwritten rule about that? Unwritten rule—

'Fuck!' I gave myself a mental head slap. Every conceivable situation Steph could find herself in had been covered. How did I not foresee and take into account, this particular scenario.

_'Sex is mandatory within two hours of newly engaged status or people will get dead and cause a shit load of red tape.' _Yep, I should have written _that_ into a RangeMan Rule. Yeah, I know it was a stretch, but Steph would do just about anything as long as it was in 'The Book.' Well, it was too late to piss and moan about it now. I _shifted slightly in my chair._

On the bright side, I had to congratulate myself on the sheer genius that was the RangeMan Employee Handbook, complete with 167 RangeMan Rules including subsections and addendums. Thanks in part to 'The Book' Steph was safe, relatively safe, well as safe as Steph could be...being Steph and she had a better outlook on herself and life in general.

I thought back to the events of last night. After finally taking care of the plane fiasco with one well placed phone call—to a certain man in Washington with a fondness for white cowboy hats and a southern drawl to be exact—our hapless, tired group was finally able to head to the hotel. Steph had fallen asleep in the car.

I smiled thinking about her face this morning when she'd realized I had upgraded our hotel rooms as well as the plane tickets. The cute little happy dance she did while jumping on the bed when she saw the master bedroom and bathroom with the extra large Jacuzzi made it money well spent. We would definitely be practising some underwater 'Search and Retrieval Operations' before we headed home.

I carefully helped her get ready for bed since she was pretty tired. I helped give her a shower and washed her hair, taking care to get out the various food stuffs that were embedded in her curls. I scrubbed and exfoliated her skin, brushed her teeth and changed her into her t-shirt and panties. Damn, after all that, I still couldn't get her to fully wake up. And this is what had brought me to my current state of discomfort.

'Ohmmmm,' I tried again to regain my focus using my own version of Tank's meditation techniques.

'My Babe is a tree. In a forest. Um, surrounded by lots of green stuff...I grasped firmly on to her sides and mounted her trunk thrusting myself forcefully into her dense foliage. I was rewarded with the sweet nectar that I lap ravenously as I bit into her juicy fruit that she offered._' My left leg gave the slightest involuntary jerk._

'Damn, I wished that I hadn't paid such close attention to Steph in Tank's 'Meditation for Dummies' class.'

_**x x**** x x x**_

With my concentration blown all to hell, and feeling extremely sexually frustrated as evidenced by my uncomfortably tight jeans, _I got up from the chair and left the hotel room slamming the door behind me. _I took the elevator down to the hotel lobby in search of Steph, hoping to spend some quality one-on-one time with her in our hotel room. I was a man on a mission.

As I waited for the elevator doors to ding open, I tried to remember any of the stories from my youth that had included a tree, or a forest...anything green really would do.

Hmmm, I remembered with lascivious glee, Isn't there one with a woodsman? And then there was always Jack and _His_ Beanstalk. My mind spun with the endless possibilities.

TBC

xx A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa), Mud and Haleigh for editing and support. xx


	8. Chapter 8

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

_**xx**_** A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa), Mud and Haleigh for editing and support. **_**xx**_

_**A/N: Thanks so much for reviewing my story! I've got an idea in mind for the actual court case involving Grandma Mazur and Dave/Scooter, the new owners of Stiva's but I would love input. If someone has his/her own ideas for a 'Grandma M. fiasco' that would lead Dave and Scooter to take her to court, please email or message me. Thanks so much!**_

_**x x x x x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**Now showing on pay-per-view, Bad Blood: The Smackdown."**_

_**x x x x x**_

_**Previously in CourtingWith Disaster**_

_With my concentration blown all to hell, and feeling extremely sexually frustrated as evidenced by my uncomfortably tight jeans, I __got up from the chair and left the hotel room slamming the door behind me. I took the elevator down to the hotel lobby in search of Steph,__ hoping to spend some quality one-on-one time with her in our hotel room. I was a man on a mission._

_As I waited for the elevator doors to ding open, I tried to remember any of the stories from my youth that had included a tree, or a forest...anything green really would do. _

_Hmmm, I remembered with __lascivious glee, I__sn't there one with a woodsman? And then there was always __Jack and His Beanstalk__. My mind spun with the endless possibilities._

_**x x x x x**_

**Chapter Eight**

_**(Thompson Beverly Hills Hotel, Hotel Suite)**_

I stretched myself out, luxuriating in the satiny-softness of the king-sized contemporary bed. Ranger had upgraded all of our rooms to suites that included one or two bedrooms and a common living area with stylish yet comfortable couches and armchairs. Our hotel suite was twice as big as my apartment! We had Grandma staying in the extra bedroom in our suite with Lula so we could keep an eye on her. I know what you're thinking...Why wasn't Grandma sleeping with Mr. Schlemtsky? Well, she was definitely old enough to sleep with whomever she wanted, but I didn't want to face the fall-out of her alone in a room with a man for any extended period of time. Even Mr. Schlemtsky. Though I doubted his um...virility—I mean the guy looked like he was about 102—I still shuddered thinking about the possibilities.

Thoughts of Grandma swinging from the ceiling fan or doing unspeakable things with some of the stuff I saw her unpack from her suitcase invaded my mind. _ Someone_ had made a trip to Pleasure Palace before we left Trenton. The assortment of flavoured oils and bondage sex toys had me speechless. I wasn't even sure what half of them were, but they looked painful. Grandma into S and M? Yeah, my thoughts exactly. It was with much reluctance I asked her about it, but she just giggled and went on about not being dead yet and not being afraid to try new things. Hey, I wasn't afraid to try new things. Why just the other day I let Ranger put his—well anyway...I _wasn't_afraid to try new things!

Why couldn't I have a Grandmother who thought trying her hand at folk art painting would be exciting. Nooo, my Grandmother wanted to try 'Sex Position of the Week', like the Erotic Accordion or Sexy Scissors, from the Cosmo website. Ranger looked up from his _Guns and Ammo _magazine, groaned and shot me a 'look'. I heard him start to recite the steps involved in mantling and dismantling an AK-47 machine gun. Yeesh, it wasn't my fault that things popped into my head. Did I ask him to read my mind all the time?

My stomach growled. Hmmm, I wonder...I cleared my mind of all thoughts._I'm in a field covered with beautiful wildflowers. The brilliant colours and delicate shapes of the flowers surrounded me. They were breathtaking. It was a perfect late-Spring day. The early morning sun warmed my face as I glanced up at the big fluffy clouds scattered across the rich blue sky. I walked among the dew-kissed blooms and enjoyed their fragrance. I stopped and picked an especially vibrant fuchsia-coloured flower, lifting it to my nose. I inhaled a deep breath and let the blossom's sweet perfume fill my senses_.

I caught Ranger out of the corner of my eye take a deep breath. In-ter-es-ting. _Brrrr, a cool breeze swept through the field causing the flowers to sway slightly and my light sundress to flutter. Goosebumps covered my skin; I pulled my sweater close to my chest. _I snuck a glance at Ranger. Without looking up from his magazine, he tugged the comforter up to cover both of us.

Al-righty then..._I sat down in the field and took a Snickers bar from my pocket. I tore off the end of the wrapper and lifted the treat to smell the chocolate-y goodness. I lowered it to my lips and bit into the bar allowing my teeth to sink through all of the delectable layers. An explosion of chocolate, nougat, caramel and peanuts delighted me, leaving a string of caramel trailing from my mouth. I licked the gooey confection from my lips._ Out of the corner of my eye I could see Ranger licking his lips_. I slowly chewed the heavenly treat savouring the medley of flavours as they merged together into pure unadulterated bliss._

Ranger got up out of the bed and walked over to the mini fridge in our room. He opened the fridge door and looked inside contemplating the contents. Yessss..._I took a second bite leaving the sinful concoction to rest on my tongue allowing the milk chocolate to melt. I savoured the delicious feeling of the silky smooth chocolate pooling as it liquefied in my warm, moist mouth. _Ranger reached inside the fridge, past the salad and fruit, to the sinful goodies I left at the back. He seemed reluctant, but I could see him pick up a Snickers bar. Wait...he hesitated and put it back down. He was going to take an apple instead. Nooooo... _Um..I started to chew, mixing the flavours, faster and faster. I took another bite cramming it in my mouth before I'd even swallowed...Yummm! Mmmm, so delicious. _Ranger paused again but this time his hand continued to back of the fridge. He grabbed the chocolate bar and shut the door with a firm shove.

Phew...okay...um_, revelling in the feeling of the unique textures mingling, I rolled the scrumptious mixture around in my mouth allowing it to touch all of the flavour buds on my tongue and then released it to slide down my throat to Nirvana. _Almost like he was in a trance, Ranger began to unwrap the chocolate bar...he brought it to his lips...and...and..._Mmmm, good, so good._ I could feel his inner torment—he just needed a tiny push to go over the edge. _I took another bite and slowly chewed allowing the delectable delight to satisfy my lustful, wanton craving for chocolate._ He opened his mouth and put the candy bar to his lips. He turned towards me...and launched himself on to the bed landing on top of me with a bounce!

"Babe, if you wanted a Snickers bar, all you had to do was ask."

Damn. I glared at him...and then ate the candy bar. Just as I finished the last bite, Ranger grabbed my wrist and with slow determination, licked the milk chocolate that remained, off each and every finger with long, painstaking stokes of his tongue, desire evident in his darkened eyes. Gulp. Hehe...okay so maybe I affected him a little bit. Good to know.

With my stomach somewhat mollified, I looked around our bedroom. It was exquisite with lots of warm woods and leathers that blended together into a sleek and modern design. It was cozy, yet chic and very upscale. I felt like a pampered princess. The room was topped off with one big, kick-ass flat-screen TV and a sinfully decadent full-marble ensuite bathroom with an extra large Jacuzzi tub. Off of the bathroom there were French doors that led to a private balcony. Talk about spoiled. Yep, a nice long soak in that Jacuzzi tub would be just the thing to help my aching muscles. I was a little sore from last night but it was sooo worth it! Probably, Ranger was sore too and would have to join me. Hey, I can be a giver, too!

_x x x x x_

I turned to face Ranger as we intertwined our arms and legs together. He kissed me—hard and deep—and I sighed totally, utterly, emphatically content. Ranger was proud of me when I told him about my ingenious master plan to deal with Grandma. I had given my plan the code name 'Getting Grandma shit-faced drunk and locking her in the hotel room'. Too wordy? Ranger had agreed that the RangeMan 'Thinking on Your Feet' badge was certainly in order.

We spent the next couple of hours discussing the different elements involved in a successful Military Strategy. Ranger has always been a believer in the hands on approach. He said a demonstration was in order and then he spent the next couple of hours choosing different areas he wanted to conquer. I thought I heard him humming 'Over hill, over dale' as he explored my 'sexy trail' as he liked to call it. He was focused on the deft movement and disposition of his forces including his well endowed artillery and then finally he'd executed his plan, expertly, and to my repeated and complete surrender. I didn't stand a chance really; he had a really, really big gun...that was fully loaded...with multiple shots. I thought he would never run out of ammunition. Yowzers!

He also taught me 'Interrogation Techniques' and 'Resistance Training', showing me his variation of the game, 'Capture the Flag.' He hid the flag in places I'd never imagined. Who knew surrendering could be so hot...and sweaty...and satisfying...and tiring.

The sounds of loud voices and a disconcerting commotion coming from beyond our bedroom, brought me back from my reverie.

CRAP! Crappity, crap, crap, crap!

"Ranger, what time is it?" I was afraid to look at the clock on the night table but braved a peek anyway. Doing some mental calculations, I asked, already knowing the answer, "We've been in here for _over five hours_?"

"We were _really_tired," Ranger said.

"OH M-M-MY GOD!" I was finding it hard to speak. "Grandma... and Lula...Mr. Schlemtsky...ohhh, and Dougie...Mooner..." My voice was getting louder and more desperate as I went on.

"Babe," he said. "Taken care of."

I gave him a questioning look.

"Tank and Lester."

My relief was short-lived as the full magnitude of his words sunk in. 'The Great Food Fight of Flight CO65' flew to the forefront of my mind. Ranger and I jumped out of bed and were fully dressed in record time. We flung open the bedroom doors and froze in out tracks.

Every available seat in our hotel common room was occupied. I did a quick head count and was surprised to find extra..._heads_? Bobby? Hal? Binky? What the fuck—?

They shrugged. "You guys looked like you were having too much fun on the news so we decided to join the fun and fly down," Bobby said as if flying to California on a whim was an everyday occurrence.

"Besides," Hal said, "I'm tired of never getting any face time in these stories."

Binky nodded in agreement. Binky looked like he wanted to add something to the conversation but instead turned to look at Hal.

"Binky says he also tired of never getting any dialogue."

Binky nodded his head furiously.

Huh. So that explained the extra bodies but the rest of the scene before us left me baffled. All of the furniture in the room had been pushed to the sides leaving a large empty space in the centre.

Lula and Grandma Mazur were standing in the middle of the room, wearing spandex body suits that begged to leave something—anything, for the love of God—to the imagination. They were surrounded by RangeMen who were holding signs. They began clapping and hooting. Dougie, Mooner, Mr. Schlemtsky and Sally were seated on the couch that had been pushed against a wall. Switzerland, if you like. Neutral. Did I mention they were also holding white boards and markers?

"Someone. Tell. Me. What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. NOW!" Yeah, my post-coital afterglow was long gone. What a waste.

Bobby had a big sloppy grin on his face. "Yo man, this shit is better than pay per view. I like to call it," he paused, brought his beer bottle up to his lips like it was a microphone and then continued with a deep, exaggerated timbre to his voice, "Bad Blood: The Smackdown."

Sally pushed Dougie and Mooner off the couch, making room for us to squeeze in and then handed us our own white boards and markers.

Stephanie, you ain't in Trenton anymore. Mr. Schlemtsky passed us some drinks and the bowl of popcorn. Well, if you can't beat 'em—.

"Yo pale, chicken ass is so old and wrinkled, yo make a raisin look good." Lula ended with a 'harumph' and turned to the cheering section behind her, giving high fives all round.

"Yeah well, yo was such a bad ho, yo were like a _po—ta—to chip_," Grandma stretched out the word to add power to the punch line, "_Free—toe—lay_...cuz ain't no one goin' to pay shit, fo' that whack-ass badunkadunk."

"Oooooh's" and loud "Woo, Woo, Woo's" came from the crowd. An insult to her former profession was a low blow but certainly not outside of the Rules of Engagement. Grandma brought her right arm up to her ear in an exaggerated motion as she leaned towards the crowd to their obvious delight as the noise ratcheted up a few decibels.

Lula was shaking with mock fury and started beating her chest as the crowd responded in kind. She charged right up to Grandma, getting inches from her face.

"Yo so old that yo knew Mr. Clean back when he was a skinny punk kid with a big-ass 'fro." Lula turned to the chanting mob and brought both hands up above her head waving them upwards, in a 'make some noise' motion. She roared to the delight of the crowd.

Mmmmm, personally I felt her last insult was a little weak in content, although the delivery was worthy of Hulk Hogan. I looked over to the two judges from the Junior Justice League for confirmation of my initial assessment. Freak and Super Freak both scored her sixes out of a possible ten points each.

"Ouch!" I was rewarded with an elbow in the side from Ranger for the JJL (Junior Justice League) comment even though I didn't say it out loud. Hehe...it was so worth it!

Lula and Grandma began circling each other making 'bring it on bitch' hand gestures.

"Yo so ugly, when you was born, the doctor slapped yor' face instead of yor' ass." Grandma stood her ground and bellowed to the crowd. They began chanting to Grandma's obvious approval, "Big G, Big G, Big G!"

Lula seemed thrown by the crowd's outburst and yelled back lamely, "I know you are, but what am I." Displeased, the audience turned ugly with loud "Boos"; catcalls like "You Suck" and "You stink" erupted.

Ranger and I threw handfuls of popcorn at Lula to show our displeasure. What? Bobby was right; this was _really_ entertaining. I lifted up my empty Coke can, shaking it in a question to Mooner. He tossed me a full one in reply.

They were circling each other with arms bent, ready to attack and growling at each other. Grandma was gathering steam. We all waited in anticipation.

"Yo momma's so ugly, when she moved into her crib, all her neighbours chipped in for curtains to hide her ugly mug."

Lula broke away in a rage, "Ohhhh...yo white cracka, _did not_ just insult my momma!" She climbed up on to the coffee table and launched herself at Grandma in a flying tackle. Unfortunately for Lula, Grandma easily side stepped the attack and Lula ended up sprawled face down on the floor. Big G. dropped down on top of Lula with an elbow to her back. She got Lula's head in a leg scissor hold. Lula tried to break the hold in vain and began banging the floor with her loose hand. The room reverberated with excited pandemonium. Finally, Lula was successful in bucking Big G. off of her.

Now the metaphorical gloves were off. It was an all out, no holds barred, cat fight with Lula and Grandma bitch-slapping each other like they were playing paddy-cake. Hal and Binky were finally able to grab each of them from behind, and drag them to their respective corners. The crowd went crazy. Lula and Grandma broke free and ran towards each other. This did not look good. I quickly got up to intervene as things had definitely gone too far.

Grandma and Lula grabbed each other in a big bear hug and started laughing hysterically. They turned to the crowd holding their hands up high in the air as they took a deep exaggerated bow to thunderous applause. Grandma gave Binky a questioning look with a single raised eyebrow and he replied with a 'thumbs up' sign as he turned off the digital recorder. Oh God, I hope this didn't make it on Youtube. Then there was America's Funniest Home Videos to worry about. David Letterman, Regis and Kelly, Ellen... Why couldn't they at least have worn masks?

"They probably don't have internet access at Shady Pines, right?" I said to no one in particular though I wasn't very convincing, even to myself.

Grandma and Lula then spent the next thirty minutes signing autographs and getting their pictures taken with the Merry Men. Boy, if they ever wanted to quit their day jobs...

_**x x x x x**_

Once everyone had finally settled down, we were able get down to the business at hand. It was Wednesday and the Judge Judy show was being taped live on Friday, so that meant we had Thursday to do something tourist-y. Now, all we had to do was agree on that something. I groaned.

Ranger shot me a 'We don't stand a chance in Hell,' look and I responded with a 'No shit, Sherlock' shrug. Holy Hell, I ESPed Ranger. He tipped his head down towards my hand, looking directly at my ring. OH MY GOD! My ring must have like super-powers and it was like a mind-linking thingy to Ranger. This was _way_ cool!

The lines were drawn firmly in the sand; it wasn't going to be pretty. Dougie and Mooner wanted to go to Disneyland. I think they both had a crush on Daisy Duck, which had me wondering if I should be worried. The Merry Men wanted to hit Sunset strip to troll for California chicks...no surprises there. Lula, Grandma and Sally wanted to stalk, I mean _see_, some of their favourite stars, using my Maps to Stars' Homes. Well, you didn't expect me to leave it at home did ya?

With no solution in sight, it was finally decided that each side would choose one representative and it would be settled in a mature, responsible, adult manner with a game of _Rock, Paper, Scissors_. Personally, I wanted to decide it with '_Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe__"_ but Lester argued that the game was inherently unfair, as the outcome was a given depending on who went first.

Huh. A revealing piece of information. And I had always thought it was just my bad luck that I was always _'it'_ when Ranger and I played 'Pinos: Will You Be Dining In, or Eating Out?' I heard a mental chuckle and I was pretty sure it wasn't from me. I cut a look to Ranger, whose face remained stonily blank. Hmmm, ESP. Then the mental image of our follow-up game 'Baskin Robbins: 31 Flavours, Cone Optional' came to mind with Ranger covered in—I bit my lip. I wondered if they had Baskin Robbins in California.

After 20 intense, nerve wracking minutes of RPS we finally had made a decision.

_Hell yeah!_ We were going to Disneyland! My inner Ghandi did the Goofy Dance. He liked riding the tea cups.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

_**xx**_** A HUGE thanks to Alf (Lisa), Mud and Haleigh for amazing editing and support !! **_**xx**_

_**x x x x x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**Who let the dogs out?'**_

_**x x x x x**_

_**Previously in CourtingWith Disaster**_

_With no solution in sight, it was finally decided that each side would choose one representative and it would be settled in a mature, responsible, adult manner with a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Personally, I wanted to decide it with '__Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe__" but Lester argued that the game was inherently unfair, as the outcome was a given depending on who went first. _

_Huh. A revealing piece of information. And I had always thought it was just my bad luck that I was always 'it' when Ranger and I played 'Pinos: Will You Be Dining In, or Eating Out?' I heard a mental chuckle and I was pretty sure it wasn't from me. I cut a look to Ranger, whose face remained stonily blank. Hmmm, ESP. Then the mental image of our follow-up game 'Baskin Robbins: 31 Flavours, Cone Optional' came to mind with Ranger covered in—I bit my lip. I wondered if they had Baskin Robbins in California. _

_After 20 intense, nerve wracking minutes of RPS we finally had made a decision. _

_Hell yeah! We were going to Disneyland! My inner Ghandi did the Goofy Dance. He liked riding the tea cups._

_**x x x x x**_

**Chapter Nine **

I'd warned Dad that it would probably be a good idea for Mom _not_ to watch the news, today...or tomorrow...or um, to be safe, for the entire time we were in California. I told him that it might be prudent to just take the TV out of her room completely...and no Internet access...or telephones...censored mail couldn't hurt...and limited visitors screened and supervised...with a pre-approved list of acceptable topics of conversation. Dad told me that he would take care of it and assured me that so far, Mom was blissfully unaware of our latest foray into celebrity—thank you, sleeping aids.

I also made two quick calls to Connie and Mary Lou. I couldn't wait to tell them about my engagement to Ranger. I wanted them to hear it from me before my mom found out and rallied the troops. In all probability, she would have half of the Burg enlisted in her own military style campaign, '_vacation_' or not. I remembered back to my first wedding with 'The Dick' and shuddered. My mom gave new meaning to the word 'Mother-of-the-bride-zilla'.

Unk. I wasn't going to think about it. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

**_x x x x x_**

Following an intense debate, it was decided that we would go to Disneyland tomorrow. After some initial grumbling from the great big,_ LOOO-SERS_, we all headed down to the dining room for dinner. There were so many of us, it was going to take a couple of elevator rides to get everyone down to the main lobby. Ranger stayed behind to make a few quick phone calls to RangeMan in Trenton and then promised to join us.

I was surprised to see that the front lobby was packed wall to wall with people. Well, I used that term loosely. Why did it not surprise me to find out that the hotel was hosting a convention that had our little ragtag group looking rather 'normal'. I mean, at least we were all human, right? 

There was a Star Trek Convention being held in the hotel and representatives from the United Federation of Planets and non-coalition races filled the lobby, all trying to register at the same time. Klingons, Romulans, Vulcans, Ferengi, Cardassians and the somewhat tame looking Star Trek Personnel and their luggage filled the large room. And I thought Jersey girls couldn't travel light! Representatives from the different alien races in full make-up and costume were shouting at each other in languages I didn't recognize. I guess they took their roles and their wardrobes seriously.

It was taking a while for the rest of our group to join us in the lobby, so I decided I would just wait by the front desk trying to blend in, not wanting to draw attention to myself. Hey, I was a simple girl who just wanted to get something to eat and there was no way in hell I was going to be side-tracked from this objective. 

I tried not to look at a large group of assorted aliens in front of me who seemed irate. Some of them I could actually identify. There were a couple of Klingons with their long wavy hair, ridged foreheads and thin moustaches and beards. They were in full battle dress including huge platform kick-ass boots that put them a good five inches above everyone else. There were at least three Cardassians in the group with the greyish-coloured reptilian-like ridges, protrusions and scales all over their faces, hands and necks, wearing sleek black-plated uniforms. They did not look happy and I knew that a pissed-off Cardassian was not someone to trifle with. 

Note to self...do not make direct eye contact with a Cardassian. I was sure if I thought about it, there was a RangeMan rule that covered contact with Cardassians, but their close proximity was making it hard to think.

I wanted to move away from the group to more neutral territory but there was really nowhere to go. I was boxed in by a mountain of luggage. The smaller weasel-y looking aliens rounding out the group had enormous ears that were almost the size of their heads. They had lobed and bumpy foreheads, large, ribbed noses and they dressed in what looked like polyester disco throw-back outfits; I recognized them as Ferengi. 

Ewww...one of them was looking at me, well at my chest anyway, while he was rubbing his ears. Bleck! That was like the equivalent to public masturbation for a Ferengi wasn't it? What? I had to pick up_ something_ from watching all of those _Star Trek_ marathons while waiting to take Dougie and Mooner in to be re-booked.

The group seemed to be getting louder and more agitated as they continued to yell at each other and I was starting to worry that a fight might break out. Damn, what I wouldn't give for a universal translator right now. Distressed, I looked around for someone who could help. 

A couple of Star Fleet personnel who were standing nearby decided to come over and play peace-keeper. They were sporting red uniforms and had no name tags. Well, it's a well known fact that you _did not _want to be anywhere near 'red shirts' when phasers started firing; they were always the guys who died five minutes before the episode ended. Geesh, they didn't even get a respectable acknowledgement in the closing credits. It was always Crewman Number Six, or Star Fleet Officer Who Died a Horrific and Meaningless Death Number Two. See that was the other thing...it was always a senseless death with no Macbeth-worthy final scene...just phasered into oblivion. I'm not stupid. I inched away from them. Hey, I didn't want to be hit in the cross-fire by mistake. 

**_x x x x x_**

One aggressive Klingon from the group turned to face me and began yelling. 

"_tera'ngan, nuqDaq So'taH be'Daq Dlvl' Hol puH?" _he said looking down at me. He appeared to be very angry...not a happy camper at all. Hmmm, I wondered if Klingons ever went camping. I tried to imagine them sitting around a camp fire roasting weenies, eating s'mores and singing 'Row, Row,Row your Boat'. Sorry, I know...not the time or place to ponder the great questions of the universe. Sooo...I was pretty sure he had had asked me something based on the slight inflection of his voice at the end of his sentence. The problem was, I had no idea how to respond that wouldn't result in a breakdown in the tenuous alliance formed between the Federation and the Klingon Empire. 

"Eep." Not eloquent but it was all I could manage at the moment.

"_bIQ HuD jup ghag Soh legh 'e' Do' tera'ngan be' 'o' chaH bIQ," _one of the Ferengi said. I was lost.

"_ghobe qIQ logh terna'ngan watlh chuyDaH yach rap Kaelis chaH 'eH pum 'uS ragh Denlb Qatlh,"_ a second Klingon argued.

"_BIjatlh 'e' yImev p'tahk. Hab SoSlI' Quch!"_ the Ferengi replied.

"_toH nuq jatlh SoH puqbe' tera'ngan targ?" _the first Klingon asked. Everyone looked to me as if I held the answers to the universe and I didn't think it was the one about Klingons and s'mores.

I said the first thing that popped into my head, "Um, live long and prosper?" I gave the universally recognized Vulcan salute made by holding up your hand and separating the two middle fingers to make a 'V'.

No one said a word. I was afraid to breathe. 

"_jIH Qochbe' tera'ngan toy'wl maH ghur let 'ej tlheD maH mach nehg ,"_ the Cardassian said with a lascivious growl, deep in his throat. 

The group of agitated aliens burst out in cheers and started clapping each other on the back. 

They broke into song that I identified as a Klingon battle ditty.

**_x x x x x_**

_**(Rewind film, using a Universal Translator)**_

One aggressive Klingon from the group looked down at me and began yelling. 

"_Human, Where is the best place to pick up chicks at Disneyland?"_ he said looking down at me. He appeared to be very angry..not a happy camper. 

"Eep." Not eloquent but it was all I could manage at the moment.

"_Splash Mountain dude, have you seen the tatas on earthling females after they get all wet?_" one of the Ferengi said. I was lost.

"_Nah, Pirates of the Caribbean. The earthly virgins are sexually stimulated by the likeness of their male God, Johnny Depp, and they are ready to fall in your lap like ragh on a Denebian Slime Devil_," a second Klingon argued.

"_Shut up fool. You're mother has a smooth forehead!"_ the Ferengi replied.

"_Well, what say you daughter of an earthling swine?"_ the first Klingon asked. Everyone looked to me as if I held the answers to the universe and I didn't think it was the one about Klingons and s'mores.

I said the first thing that popped into my head, "Um...live long and prosper?" I gave the universally recognized Vulcan salute made by holding up your hand and separating the two middle fingers to make a 'V'.

No one said a word. I was afraid to breathe. 

"_I agree with the human wench. Let us grow a hard-on and spread our seed_," the Cardassian said with a lascivious growl, deep in his throat. 

Then the group of agitated aliens burst out in cheers and started clapping each other on the back. 

They broke into song that I identified as a Klingon battle ditty. 

**_x x x x x_**

Man, was I good or what? I could be like one of those United Nations mediators or something. Before I could get into any more trouble I felt someone tug at my elbow and lead me away from the group. Ranger.

"Babe, isn't there a RangeMan rule that covers this?" He pulled me into a tight hug.

I thought about it. I still couldn't remember the Cardassion one. The closest thing to dealing with people from other races I could come up with was one that Lester taught me. 

"_Never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line."_

I didn't think it was a real rule though, because Lester couldn't stop laughing his fool head off at the time, and it wasn't written down anywhere and it sounded suspiciously like something from a movie—. I thought I'd better memorize it though, just to be safe. Hey, there were lots of Italians living in the Burg; it could come in handy.

Ranger just shook his head and kissed my nose as we walked away.

With an interplanetary dispute averted, I was delighted that we might make it through an entire day without it being newsworthy...I clasped both of my hands over my mouth.

I know what you're thinking...she _had_ to say it..._she just had to freakin' say it_! With a feeling of a doom overshadowing me, I looked around in desperation to see if I could anticipate and head off any major disaster before it started. The problem was that it could be_ anything_: food poisoning, bomb threat, towel shortage, laser fire, locust...

It was Mr. Schlemtsky who first alerted us to the situation. 

"Hey where's Freak and Super Freak?" he said. As the words left his mouth, it was as if everything started moving in slow motion. We all looked up and it was at this exact moment that Dougie and Mooner appeared exiting the front lobby washrooms in a dense thick mushroom cloud of smoke that burst out of the doors and filled the immediate area. They looked like they had been through a war with their Superhero outfits in disarray, hair dishevelled and covered in cuts and bruises. A very buxom, female Klingon, bursting from her barely there uniform, was hanging off the two of them and snapping her teeth playfully. Yeah, okay, I never thought of _that_.

A few well placed shouts of 'FIRE' from nearby Ferengis—they always were the scourge of the Alpha quadrant—and we had the makings of a full blown riot on our hands. In a blink of an eye, hundreds of people all began fighting to get out of the lobby doors at the same time. The Klingons were the worst, screaming like little old ladies, stomping around on their big platform boots, trying to rescue their luggage. I guess a good Klingon battle uniform is hard to replace.

Ranger and the Merry Men went immediately into military mode, and spread themselves out around the huge room trying to calm down the frenzied crowd, assisting people exiting the hotel through the front doors and helping the injured. They had seemed to calm the crowds somewhat until one very purple, very hysterical Lula and equally hysterical Sally came running through the lobby on their FMPs. Lula and Sally were frantic, waving their hands above their heads. Lula's ample booty knocked people down like bowling pins as the pair tried to make their way through the crowd to the front doors screaming, "We gonna die. We all gonna die!" Yep, that did it.

It was a now a full-blown mucho grande cluster fuck. I really wished that I hadn't wasted that Ghostbuster quote back on the airplane. The Merry Men did their best to control the frenzied crowd but it was a perilous situation. Most of our group had managed to gather in relative safety behind a huge fiscus tree at the front of the hotel lobby. I had Grandma and Mr. Schlemtsky by my side to make sure they weren't going to be anywhere near the action when the news vans arrive. I'd already resigned myself to the fact that we were going to make the news...again. It was just a given. 

This was when I noticed Dougie and Mooner breaking away from our group and heading in the wrong direction, fighting their way back into the crazed crowd. They were shouting, "Captain RangeMan needs us." 

They rushed into the main area of the lobby and stopped in front of a hysterical young woman who was pointing to the balcony on the second level that opened up to the area below. Among the hordes of people who were stampeding on the mezzanine to reach the stairs, was a tiny dog. I think it was a dog—it was pink and furry and was yapping loudly—perched between the ballast's of the balcony railing. It truly was a horrific sight. There was no way that small dog would survive the jump to the main level of the lobby and yet if it stayed, would surely be run over by the frenzied mass.

Freak and Super Freak leapt into action. Just as the dog plummeted through the air, Freak whipped off his cape and held it with Super Freak like a safety net. After a few seconds of moving around through the crowd they were able to catch the pink powder puff before it landed on the hard marbled floor, most likely to its death. The overwrought young lady grabbed her dog from the two unlikely heroes and clutched them both in a hug.

Disaster averted, I thought it would be a good time to slip our little group through the front doors to safety, but more important, anonymity. We started through the revolving doors. As if on cue, the news vans arrived. 

You have got to be kidding me! I think I was going to break my own record for amount of press coverage in the shortest amount of time.

I kept the revolving doors going as we went around in circles not giving anyone from our group a chance to leave the hotel. I needed time to think of a plan. The news reporters jumped out of their vans and began jockeying for prime positions, microphones in hand. I was getting dizzy driving the doors around in circles when Ranger and the Merry Men stepped in to rescue us. They pulled us back in the lobby one at a time as we completed the revolving door circuit and ushered our little group out through the back Emergency Exit. My man was a God! As soon as my head stopped spinning, I planned on showing Ranger just how thankful I was.

"You can worship at my temple anytime, Babe." He held me with my back to his front and buried his face in my hair wrapping his arms around me. We waited, standing on the outskirts of the gathered crowd, for the commotion to die down.

Feeling him pressed against me, I put my arms up behind me and pulled his face down to mine. I whispered, "Why Thor, is that the Mjolnir hammer in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" 

"Can you handle my hammer Babe?" He pushed himiself into me. 

I reached behind. Oh boy could I...

_**x x x x x**_

The reporter for FOX news, elbowed the other reporters aside, as she wormed her way up to Dougie and Mooner.

"We're here with two real life heroes who claim to be members of the Superhero team, the 'Junior Justice League'. They call themselves Freak and Super Freak." The boys puffed out their chests and stood a little taller.

"Mr. Suki Takamira, an eyewitness visiting from Japan, managed to capture the daring rescue of Foo Foo the dog with his digital recorder." Mr. Takamira kept bowing as he spoke rapidly in Japanese, waving at the cameras. "Here is that footage now—"

_**(Roll footage)**_

"There you have it, the daring rescue of FooFoo, the beloved Pekinese of Rome Thompson, daughter of owner, Jed Thomspon, of the Thompson Hotel Group."

The news reporter turned to the guys. "Well gentlemen, what's next for Freak and Super Freak?"

They looked into the camera with huge smiles, "We're going with Captain RangeMan to Disneyland!"

TBC

_** Thanks so much for taking the time to review!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

A/N_: _A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa), Mud and Haleigh for editing and support. Also, thanks soo much for everyone who took the time to write a review!! This chapter is dedicated to Tee2Green. Thanks for your support! Oh and Binky has a special thank-you planned to all who review this chapter. Silly Binky! :)

_**x x x x x**_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**It's a small world after all'**_

_**x x x x x**_

_**Previously in CourtingWith Disaster**_

_The reporter for FOX news elbowed the other reporters aside as she wormed her way up to Dougie and Mooner._

"_We're here with two real life heroes who claim to be members of the Superhero team, the 'Junior Justice League'. They call themselves Freak and Super Freak." The boys puffed out their chests and stood a little taller._

"_Mr. Suki Takamira, an eyewitness visiting from Japan, managed to capture the daring rescue of Foo Foo the dog with his digital recorder." Mr. Takamira kept bowing as he spoke rapidly in Japanese, waving at the cameras. "Here is that footage now—"_

_**(Roll footage)**_

"_There you have it, the daring rescue of FooFoo, the beloved Pekinese of Rome Thompson, daughter of owner, Jed Thomspon, of the Thompson Hotel Group."_

_The news reporter turned to the guys. "Well gentlemen, what's next for Freak and Super Freak?"_

_They looked into the camera with huge smiles, "We're going with Captain RangeMan to Disneyland!"_

_**x x x x x**_

**Chapter Ten**

On the drive to Disneyland, I sat in the front seat of the rented SUV, skimming over the pages of the RangeMan Employee Handbook, trying to get into a zone so I could block out the grumbling coming from the back seat. Binky was stuck between Mr. Schlemtsky and Grandma Mazur, who kept trying to cop feels around Binky. Hell, they were probably both trying to cop feels _of_ Binky. No words were needed—sorry Binky—as you could tell by his expression, he was one very unhappy Mousketeer.

Behind them, Bobby and Hal were in a heated argument about the best place to pick up hot chicks at Disneyland. I couldn't believe two grown men were actually having this discussion. Bobby was adamant that Splash Mountain was the place to go for the obvious reason: wet t-shirts plastered to the fronts of young nubile specimens of the female persuasion. Geesh...did all men think like this? I rolled my eyes and then cut a look at Ranger. He wisely had his gaze fixed on the road ahead, blank expression in place. Hmmm, I tried my new ESP powers and thought I caught of glimpse of something...but then I felt a mental wall slam into place as I was pushed out of his mind. Jerk. I gave Ranger a shot to the arm just in case.

Hal argued that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride was the best place to pick up women because they would be already worked up after seeing Johnny Depp's likeness and would be 'ripe for the picking'. Ugh, where do guys come up with this stuff? Bobby disagreed and supported his original supposition with a very persuasive secondary argument; he had Hal in a headlock and was giving him a noogie while Hal was punching him repeatedly in the arm.

Tired of the bickering and fighting, Ranger turned and glared into the back seat.

"THAT'S IT! Don't make me turn this car around—," he said in a booming voice that had me feeling my seat discreetly to make sure I hadn't wet myself. The rest of the ride was spent in relative calm.

"Steph," Hal said as he leaned forward in his seat. "Whatcha reading?" He had the passing interest of a person who was trying to ignore being jabbing constantly in the ribs by the 'big kid' sitting beside him.

"The RangeMan Employee Handbook," I said, heaving it up so he could see it from the back of the SUV.

"Huh?" Hal seemed confused by my statement. "The RangeMan Employee Handbook? _That's not_ the Handbook, Steph. That thing is frigging _HUGE!"_

"HAL!" Ranger turned and glared again. "Don't you have something to report from Trenton?"

Not ready to change the topic, I said, "_Of course_ it's the Handbook Hal—Ranger gave me this copy himself." I looked to Ranger for confirmation.

"Yes Babe," Ranger said in a silky-soft voice. "It's a copy of the handbook just for you. _HAL_," he paused, shifting his eyes towards the rear view mirror, "is probably just not thinking straight because of the time change and he's not used to the heat. I'm sure it's nothing long hours in front of the monitors and more time reviewing the handbook can't fix." He had his 'don't fuck with me' expression on his face.

After a few moments of obvious confusion, Hal straightened in his seat and his eyes lit up.

"YES...yes...of course it's the _RangeMan Employee Handbook_, Steph. I don't know _what_ I was thinking." Hal met Ranger's gaze in the rear view mirror with a slight nod of his head. "It's just the sun was in my eyes and I didn't see it clearly... and I'm all the way in the back here."

Hal seemed like he was trying a little too hard. "R-R-Ranger?" I bit my lower lip not feeling as confident as before.

Ranger continued in a soothing tone, "Babe, we can get a funnel cake when we get there. You'd like a funnel cake wouldn't you?" His voice was almost hypnotic as he reached over and took my hand in his, stroking it.

"Funnel cake? Mmmmm, so good..." I trailed off mesmerized by the small, gentle circles his thumb was tracing on the back of my hand. My mind was fuzzy.

"Um...Ranger, wh-what were we talking about?"

"Funnel cakes, Babe."

"Oh," I relaxed in my seat and smiled. "Okay then."

If I had been more aware of my surroundings, I would've seen that Ranger, satisfied with my reply, blew out a huge breath he'd been holding. I also would have seen a look on his face like he'd just dodged a bullet and would have further noticed that Hal sported the exact same expression.

Instead, I'd already returned my attention back to reading the 'The Book' while I thought about a golden brown, perfectly fried funnel cake, smothered in vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and drenched in fresh strawberries. Mmmmm...

_**x x x x x**_

Once inside the park at Disneyland, it was decided that it would be too hard for us to all stay together, so we broke off into two smaller groups, each going in a different direction with the promise to meet up at Cinderella's Enchanted Castle for supper. Ranger, Grandma Mazur, Mr. Schlemtsky, Hal and Binky rounded out our group. I think Hal and Binky thought their best hope for seeing some 'real action' and getting some 'air time' was with me and Grandma Mazur.

Hal had actually come right out and said, "I want to be in Steph and her granny's group. That's my best chance of seeing some real action and getting some air time." Hal had said _exactly_ what was on Binky's mind, so all Binky could do was sadly nod his head in agreement.

We made the requisite stop at the Funnel Cake booth, just as Ranger had promised. While we ate—well everyone but Ranger ate—we discussed where to go next. It was decided that we would see 'Aladdin –A Musical Spectacular', so the Disney Guidebook said. Since we had just polished off that huge treat, no one felt like going on a roller coaster just yet to experience the funnel cake for a second, more unpleasant time around. Besides, with my luck I would be the fortunate recipient of any 'fallout' from fellow riders. _And_ the moment it happened, it would be captured by the ride cameras and displayed for all to see. Gee, do you think I'm a glass half-empty kinda girl?

After watching the amazing show, we agreed that we would each choose one ride for our group to go on. Ranger wanted to chart out the best course to attack this mission, meeting the objectives with efficiency and expediency. Ranger, Binky and Hal put their heads together in a tight tactical huddle.

They pulled out a map of the park and started marking it up taking into account factors such as ride location, ride popularity, projected wait times and time of day. They discussed the strategy of sending a runner to secure Fastpasses for the group, then discussed the best person for the job, debating the advantages of a sprinter versus a distance runner. I just rolled my eyes. Ranger even included estimates of the time it would take to 'deploy the troops' between rides and noted the location of latrines and ration depots to finally compute the optimal sequence of rides.

Once a course was charted, Ranger turned to his men.

"Saddle up. Lock and load," he said with determination.

They answered with a battle cry meant to rally the troops. I rolled my eyes...again. Only Ranger could turn a trip to Disneyland into a covert military operation.

_**x x x x x**_

OH. MY. GOD! We had such a blast! I couldn't decide which ride I liked best; they were all so much fun! We went on Big Thunder Mountain Railway, Indiana Jones, the Tower of Terror, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean and Fantasmic—surprisingly Binky's choice.

Who knew Binky was a closet musical-junkie. I snorted at the vision of him in the shower belting out songs from different musicals like 'OOO-kla-homa, where the wind comes whipping down the lane...' Funny, I couldn't really imagine what his singing voice would sound like. Hell, I was having a hard time remembering what his real voice sounded like.

Finally, it was my choice of a ride and this was where our day started to go downhill. My whole family had gone to Disneyland when I was small. I had always loved the ride, _'It's a Small World'_ and although there were so many more exciting rides we could go on, this one held a kind of nostalgic attraction to me.

Ranger, the big bad-ass bounty hunter in black, had been a good sport about the entire day. He sweetly held my hand or tucked an arm around my waist and went on every ride without a single grumble...that is, until we reached _'the ride from hell'._ Huh. Those words just popped into my head. I looked at Ranger confused.

"Babe," he planted his feet on the pavement. "There's no way in hell you're going to get me to go on that ride." His voice almost had a hint of panic and I thought for a second that I saw fear flash in his eyes for the briefest moment. Wow! Ranger was afraid of a little kiddie ride?

"Babe..." he warned. The link between us through my ring must not have been at full strength yet. If it _had been_, I would have discovered that when Ranger was a child he'd also visited Disneyland and had gone on this ride with his siblings. Unfortunately, there was a malfunction and Ranger and his brothers and sisters were stuck on the ride. Ranger's older brothers teased him unmercifully, convincing him that the robotic children were real and would jump into the boat at any moment to devour him. Young Ranger had nightmares for years about this ride.

"Okay Ranger." He was abviously uncomfortable so I relented without a lot of fuss. "Why don't you wait here with the guys and I'll go with Grandma on this ride?" I could almost feel Ranger sigh in relief and the gratitude in his eyes told me that he loved me.

"I know." I leaned up and gave him a quick kiss on his lips before I linked arms with Grandma and we skipped off to the waiting line. I waved at Ranger and the guys as we joined the end of the line.

As I watched them leave, I saw Binky stop suddenly and turn back around. He started waving his arms and began yelling something but I couldn't hear what he was trying to say. It was hard to hear over the adorable music that was being piped through speakers hidden along the waiting line. Hal continued to pull Binky along, but again, he tried to yell something. It seemed like every time Binky attempted to speak, the music coming from the speakers increased in volume just enough to drown out his voice. Huh. Well, whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't so important that it couldn't wait until after the ride was over. I mean it's not like he was trying to warn me about some immediate impending disaster that awaited us, right? I snorted. Yeah, oooh, watch out for the, ohhh so dangerous, kiddie ride on boats that travelled slower than I could walk. I giggled...

_**x x x x x**_

_**(Cue music **__**It's a Small World**__** sung by children)**_

The waiting line for the ride, _It's a Small World_, was ridiculously long. I didn't mind the wait so much since I had already spent half of the day standing in lines for rides that lasted under three minutes. I was a little surprised though, that the people in the waiting line weren't more friendly. When I noticed people looking my way, I would give them a small smile, maybe a little finger wave, but they returned my overtures of friendliness with glares and scowls. _What the hell?_ Not the reaction I would have expected from people waiting in line for the happiest ride in the park. My confusion continued for the next half an hour until I happened to catch a glimpse of Grandma Mazur shoot a tiny candy through her straw, using it like a blow gun. It beaned an unsuspecting gentleman two turns of the waiting line ahead. When he looked around to see who was responsible, I saw Grandma pointing to me and mouth 'She did it'.

Aargh! I don't know what I was thinking going on a ride alone with Grandma Mazur. After I took her straw away—I actually tried to rip it in half but it was made of plastic so I had to satisfy myself with scrunching it up, stamping on it and throwing it in the nearest garbage—I made sure my eyes never left her after that. For good measure I opened my purse, discreetly withdrew the handle of my stun gun so Grandma could see it and made a "Zzzztt" noise. I think we understood each other after that.

An hour later we still standing in the frigging waiting line and my 'happy place' was almost gone. When it was finally our turn to get on the ride I was determined to get back in the mood. I was going to enjoy this ride, damn it, even if it killed me...

What?

_**(Cue ominous music again...but it is drowned out by the cheery children's rendition of It's a Small World.)**_

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: _A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa), Mud and Haleigh.l for editing and support. Thanks Bluz for feedback and encouragement! **Thanks so much for taking the time to review this story. I love hearing what you think...**Oh, and I love Disneyland and I'm sure all of their rides are very safe and their staff are very caring...um...and their waiting lines aren't too long!

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

_x x x x x_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**It's a small world after all. Part Dos.'**_

_x x x x x_

_**Previously in CourtingWith Disaster**_

_Aargh! I don't know what I was thinking going on a ride alone with Grandma Mazur. After I took her straw away—I actually tried to rip it in half but it was made of plastic so I had to satisfy myself with scrunching it up, stamping on it and throwing it in the nearest garbage—I made sure my eyes never left her after that. For good measure I opened my purse, discreetly withdrew the handle of my stun gun so Grandma could see it, and made a "Zzzztt" noise. I think we understood each other after that._

_An hour later we were still standing in the frigging waiting line and my 'happy place' was almost gone. When it was finally our turn to get on the ride I was determined to get back in the mood. I was going to enjoy this ride, damn it, even if it killed me... _

_What? _

**_(Cue ominous music again...but it is drowned out by the cheery children's rendition of It's a Small World.)_**

_x x x x x_

**Chapter Eleven**

It was finally our turn to go on the ride, _It's a Small World_, and I felt my excitement well up again and fill me as we stepped into the boat with a nice looking young family behind us. I began bouncing in my seat, giddy with anticipation, as we headed into the darkened tunnel that signalled the start of the fun. I felt like a kid again!

Awww, there were cute little cut-out boats riding on colourful painted waves in the tunnel. I was thrilled when I saw the first of the scenes, with the animated dolls from the different counties, in the distance. It was much as I remembered, although it was obvious that it'd been updated since the last time I went on the ride some twenty odd years ago with bright, cheery colours.

"Mm-m-m-m mmm-m-m, mm-m-m-m mmm-m-m," I hummed along to the delightful, familiar music.

We entered a blackened, cavernous space with small pockets lit up in a mosaic of colours in the distance. I was looking forward to seeing the dolls from different countries joining in the sing-along in their native language as we passed.

Ah, the first country had to be Canada...um, right? It was a winter wonderland cast in a bluish light, with frozen sculptures and Inuit—hey, did I know how to be politically correct, or what?—in kayaks with walruses jumping out of the icy water. One doll in a parka was ice fishing. Hmmm, Canada seemed cold but it looked like a nice place to visit. I chuckled. Yeah, if you liked vacationing on an ice burg. It would be fun trying to guess the different countries that we'd pass.

To the right of us, some ice skaters were twirling around, oh and here was hmmm... okay, no idea what country that was, but it was pretty. Ah, this one must be—nope, got nothing. Shit, okay I knew the next one. There were dolls from England next to Big Ben. France had Can-Can dancers and the Eiffel Tower, Scotland had bagpipers on the highlands and Holland had dolls with those funny hats and clogs standing beside windmills. No cultural stereotyping here…much!

As we passed by each country, animated dolls would dance around and sing the exact same song in their country's official language. The versions overlapped as we passed...and on and on it went. Huh!

"It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all," I sang along to myself, "It's a small world after all, it's a really, really frickin' annoying world." Yeah, okay so maybe this ride wasn't as much fun as I'd remembered. And still the countries with their own automated dolls passed by at a painfully slow pace.

Ah, there was a blue hippopotamus and it looked like children from Africa with drums beating out the tune. Mexico was next. The dolls were in traditional garb and still there was the disturbing music playing with a hint of maracas. Our boat approached the Russian dolls and then they joined in the irksome sing-a-long. Next, we passed a gondola as the grating song was now sung in Italian. I had to close my eyes blocking out the irritating scenes that passed by. The song, was assaulting my ears as it blasted at me from every direction. Shit, it was giving me a migraine.

Dear God, save me now! We were crawling along in our boats on the 'river' as we rode by the remaining little scenes with the demonic Chuckie-like dolls that mocked me with their fake smiles. A fairy tale kingdom, in shades of blue with a mini-roller coaster lit up to complete the scene, was next. I craned my neck to see how much farther we were from the exit and my freedom.

Without notice, our boat ground to a stop. All of the lights in the building went out and we were plunged into total darkness. I reached over and grabbed Grandma's hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Not surprisingly, she seemed overjoyed by this latest development making squealing sounds of delight. Nothing seemed to faze her. I heard crying come from behind us.

Suddenly lights started flashing on and off in the building. Unfortunately, the sound system appeared unaffected and the music taunted me as it played over and over...and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Of all of the rides I could think of to get stuck on, this would have been my last choice. I could have been stuck hanging upside down at the top loop on a roller coaster and I would've been having a better time. As it was, I wanted to cover my ears and scream Metallica at the top of my lungs to drown out the painful song blaring out of the speakers.

Through the flashing lights, I could see Disney Maintenance workers appear out of nowhere and descend on the scene, trying to assess the problem. After ten minutes I looked around, wondering how much longer this would take. The cries and wails from the other boats were growing in volume. I wished that I had thought to bring my gun; a little target practice at the sound speakers would've helped pass the time. Maybe even take out a few dolls while I was at it.

I could see some of the repair guys converge on one particularly innocuous group of dolls in the Fairy Tale tableau we were stuck in front of. A small truck appeared from behind a huge set of hidden doors and was backing up to what appeared to be a disguised electrical box. The driver of the truck stopped the vehicle and had got out.

This was when all hell broke loose! Yeah, you didn't see that coming did ya?

I don't think the parking brake had been engaged as the truck kept backing up, right into the wooden supports that held up the miniature rollercoaster. The supports snapped under the pressure and the electrical rope of lights that lit the track broke free and swung in huge arc. Sparks were flying from the thick cord as it came dangerously close to our boat and the water we were currently stranded in.

Okay now I was crapping my pants. I did not want to know what would happen to us if that live cable reached us or the water. The boat didn't look like it would provide much protection if the _bajillion_ volts of electricity from the cable hit the water.

The family behind us started to panic and rock the boat. Grandma seemed blissfully unaware of the danger we were in and looked around happily as if it was part of the ride. I did my best to assure everyone in the boat that we were perfectly safe, even if I didn't quite believe it myself. I _did not_ want to die this way...not as a sitting duck on the lamest ride in Disneyland, with that diabolical, satanic music blaring in the background. I mean if I had to die, couldn't it have been on something dangerous sounding, like the Tower of Doom?

God, I could see the headlines now, _'Bombshell Bounty Hunter Goes Out With a Fizzle Instead of a Boom.'_

_x x x x x_

_**(Rangers POV)**_

While waiting patiently for Steph and her Grandma to exit the ride, we ran into Tank, Lester and Bobby. Lula and Sally had taken Dougie and Mooner to _Mickey's Toon Town_ so they could get their pictures taken with the Disney characters. The Merry Men, who decided they would rather be poked repeatedly with a bayonet than be caught dead in _Mickey's Toon Town_, had ventured off on their own.

I'd had about as much of this _'fun'_ as I could stand and was more than ready to go for supper which would signal our day winding down and finally some alone time with Steph. Just how much longer was this damn ride going to take? I felt prickles on the back of my neck that left me with a queasy feeling in my stomach. I think Steph and her spidey sense was rubbing off on me.

Assessing my surroundings, I noticed the ride attendants rushing around and speaking into their walkie talkies while shooting nervous glances at each other. The ride line had stalled and people waiting to get on the ride were getting impatient. I moved closer to try and eavesdrop on their conversations.

"Stuck on ride?...loose live cable?...close to water?...all die?...never get off work on time!...fucked-up my plans!...miss Star Trek Convention!" This was all I needed to hear, to jump into action. I could hear the sirens from emergency vehicles getting closer but knew that their E.T.A. was at least five minutes away. Their arrival would be impeded by the crowded throughways in the park. I looked over to my men and then turned back to face the ride that had been the bane of my existence for over twenty-seven years.

"I'm going in." I said to the guys. My determined resolve left no room for argument. "If I don't make it out in fifteen minutes—"

"Yeah, we know RangeMan...save ourselves, stay outside and secure the safety of the civilians in the vicinity," Tank finished my sentence snapping to attention.

"Screw that man! If I don't make it out of there in fifteen minutes, haul your ass inside double-time and come after me, come hell or high water. Dying in that '_ride from hell_' is not an option!"

_x x x x x_

_**(Stephanie's POV)**_

I could tell you what happened next but you probably wouldn't believe me. Damn, I couldn't make up this stuff up if I tried. I'm sure someone could, but not me. I had my eyes closed for most of it anyway. It was just too unbelievable, though not unexpected I guess, since this was me and Ranger we were talking about. Let me just say that if I had any doubt that Ranger was a real hero, today I was a total believer.

People were screaming and kids were crying hysterically. All of the lights flashed in a strobbing staccato pattern, electrical sparks flew, and that hellish music seemed to be laughing at me as it played on and on. I was sure all hope was lost. I hugged Grandma to me and closed my eyes, not wanting to see what death looked like. I thought of my family and friends and Ranger. Ranger. We were going to be so happy together...

Without warning, I felt strong arms lift me out of the boat and place me on solid ground. I felt Grandma tug on my arm as I was pushed along with a group of people through an Emergency Exit door and down a darkened corridor.

I recognized those strong arms. I looked around for Ranger and spotted him just ahead of me holding the little girl from our boat. She was clinging to him, her arms wrapped around his neck and her face buried in his chest.

Much to my annoyance, her mother was also hugging Ranger, just as tightly but around his waist, as the crowd of people shuffled us along towards the Exit. And exactly how did _that_ happen? Harumph. In Ranger's defence, I could see him trying to pry the young mother's arms from around him.

I was already close to slugging her when I noticed her hands moved dangerously close to Ranger's fine posterior. She gave his butt a squeeze. Damn, that blonde bimbo was going down, mother or not. I patted Grandma's hand and smiled down at her with a determined look on my face.

"Go get her, baby girl," Grandma said as she did a one, two punch in the air with her fists.

Like I needed encouragement. I quickened my pace dodging people until I caught up with Ranger. I was going to be mature about this. I was an engaged woman, this wasn't high school.

I tapped the bimbo on her shoulder. "Excuse me, but would you kindly remove your arm from my _fiancé._"

She turned and with her free hand, sucker punched me in the gut knocking the wind out of me. I doubled over clutching my stomach as I tried to catch my breath.

Oooh, that bitch _did not_ just do that. I stood up brushing dust off of my pants tipping my head to both sides. The cracking of my neck echoed in the suddenly silent hallway.

The crowd around us had backed up out of harm's way. A crumpled Disneyland ride map tumbled in the wind past me…which was funny because we were inside.

All of those hours of watching Keanu Reeves in the Matrix were finally going to pay off.

"Barbie." I said in an eerily calm voice.

She turned to face me, taking a judo fighting stance. I took a deep breath then mirrored her pose and gave her the ever so slight 'bring it' motion with my hand. Neo would have been proud. I signalled Ranger with a shake of my head not to interfere. I was taking care of this one myself.

We circled each other both seeming to assessing the competition…ready to pounce in an instant. Suddenly, she gave a guttural scream and launched herself at me with arms poised to strike. I defended myself with a high round house kick to the chest that sent her stumbling backwards. Fast to recover, she charged at me again. We both seemed to move at hyper speed with fists and feet a blur as blows and kicks were flying. I matched her blow for blow until she got in a lucky shot and sent me sailing through the air, hitting the wall behind me. My crumpled body slid down until I was slumped onto the floor. She drew back her arm to strike me, but I ducked at the last second as her fist slammed into the wall beside my face. I brought both knees up and sent her flying backwards with my feet. I watched her skid across the width of the tunnel. Jumping to my feet, I leapt up and I swear, I froze in mid flight arms held out straight to the side, wrists poised down and legs bent frog-like at the knees. When I finally caught up with real time and continued on my descent, I knocked her down and pinned her with my knee, mere inches from crushing her throat.

Before I could finish the fight, two Disney security guards pulled me off of her. Damn it, I wouldn't get to see if she was a natural blonde by pulling out all of her hair by the roots!

During our altercation, Ranger had finally managed to pry the little girl off of him. He rushed up to me and swept me up into his arms. Grandma Mazur skipped up along beside us holding up the digital recorder she had in her purse.

"Man too bad I can't charge for posting stuff on Youtube, you were something," Grandma said.

_Shit! _Well, at least I kicked her ass. I fought the smile that refused to leave my lips. Damn, I rocked!

We finally reached the outside Exit door and walked out into the bright sunshine, to the uproarious applause of the huge crowd that had assembled outside of the ride. There were emergency vehicles everywhere. Disney workers and Security Guards were scattered about...and what disaster would be complete without News vans. The Disney Channel? Huh, that was new one. I wondered if they were syndicated in New Jersey. Before the crowd had a chance to react to our rescue, Ranger slipped me and Grandma into the crowd so we could join up with the rest of our friends.

_x x x x x_

We spent the rest of the day enjoying ourselves at the park, though I never let Ranger get more than a foot away from me at any time. It made going to the washroom awkward but I figured after the day I had, I wasn't taking any chances. We stayed for the parade down Main Street and the spectacular fireworks display. The fireworks were breath-taking!

Dougie and Mooner were in their glory as people kept coming up, asking for their autographs. I guess lots of people had watched the news last night. The boys signed their names with their monikers and talked about how cool new Superhero outfits would be and getting one for the Boss Dude. You didn't need to be a brain surgeon to figure out who put _that_ idea into their heads. Tank and Lester were trying their hardest not to burst out laughing. Ranger remained stone-faced but I heard him think _'In time my prettiesss...'_

On our way out of the park we hit the souvenir shops loading up with t-shirts hats, postcards, mugs and stuffed toys. What a day! I slept all the way home; I know, big surprise.

_x x x x x_

Back in the hotel everyone settled in our suite's Common Room to watch the Disney Channel re-capping our exciting day. We had just watched the video Grandma has taken of my encounter with Bimbo Barbie. I was in the bedroom lying down and no, I was _not_ sulking.

"Babe, don't be mad. Come join the others," Ranger said, leaning over me rubbing his hand up my arm.

"NO!" I could feel my face hot and imagined it was quite red, though I think I was more humiliated than angry. _God, why did stuff like this always happen to me?_

"Babe...Steph, you were great. You really took her to the mats. I was proud of you."

"But Ranger," I said, not even trying to mask the whiny tone of my voice. "I swear the fight didn't happen like that. I was like Neo in the Matrix, I kicked ass and took names. My hands were moving so fast they were a blur. I even did that freezing in mid-air thing...I don't care what that damn video camera recorded."

"Babe." He chuckled. Was that a smirk? Was he smirking at me?

Harumph. "That damn video recording made me look like...like...like I was fighting like a girl."

"You are a girl...wait..." He lifted the covers and ran his fingers down my body starting at the base of my neck, taking his time as he moved at an agonizing slow pace between my breasts and ending at my doo-dah. "Correction. You're all woman...and all mine."

Okay, so maybe it wasn't so bad to be me. I pulled him down on top of me.

_x x x x x_

Mooner and Dougie were disappointed that they'd missed out on all of the fun at the 'Disney ride from Hell', but they sat raptly listening to Tank and Lester retell the story again and again, each time more fantastic than the last. It wasn't long before Tank and Lester had Captain RangeMan using his ex-ray vision and super human strength to foil the plans of the evil Toy Maker to take over Disneyland, one ride at a time.

I sniggered. Too bad Tank and Lester couldn't ESP Ranger because I caught a glimpse of just how dangerous my man could be when it comes to 'payback' and there _would be_ payback for this. Hehe. I mentally rubbed my hands together in glee. The best part was, they would never see it coming.

My attention was brought back to the TV screen when I recognized the family that had been sitting behind us on the ride. I smiled as I listened to the starry-eyed little girl being interviewed by a Disney reporter about the incident.

"He was soooo hot! He just came out of nowhere and saved us." She sighed with a far-off, dreamy expression on her face. "When he picked me up he had the softest black shiny hair and he was sooo strong, and he was dressed all in black."

Bimbo Barbie was also there, with an equally dreamy expression on her face added, "We would have died if he hadn't saved us. He was so strong and he had muscles bulging out of everywhere, and oh my God, he had the biggest, hardest—"

"Bleeeeeeeep" The network censored the rest of her sentence.

Her husband didn't look happy as he glared at her. I leaned in to get a closer look at the TV screen and felt a small bit of satisfaction when I noticed that she was sporting a black eye.

The news reporter faced to the camera. "Well, there you have it. The first serious accident in the history of this ride at Disneyland ended with a Disney 'Happily Ever After'. Only at the magical kingdom. Disaster was diverted by a real life hero...a man in black...a mystery man if you will, who swooped in and saved the day!"

I shifted in Ranger's arms and raised myself off his lap so I could whisper in his ear. "I think I need to show this 'Man in Black' just how appreciative I am for saving my life."

In a flash, Ranger pulled me up, threw me over his shoulder and I swear we flew into the bedroom because I definitely remember sailing through the air and landing in the middle of the bed. Yep, he spent the rest of the night showing me how to fly!

**TBC - Next Chapter... 'All Rise'**


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: _A huge thanks to Alf (Lisa), Haleigh.l and Bluzie for editing and support. This chapter is dedicated to Annie...you've had to wait sooo long for this, I hope you like it. **Thanks so much for taking the time to review this story. I love hearing what you think...**Oh, and I love Judge Judy and er, no disrespect was meant and um, it's a great show! (If this chapter is riddled with errors, don't blame my betas, the fault is all mine.)

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**All Rise.'**_

_**x x x x x**_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_The news reporter faced to the camera. "Well, there you have it. The first serious accident in the history of this ride at Disneyland ended with a Disney 'Happily Ever After'. Only at the magical kingdom! Disaster was diverted by a real life hero...a man in black...a mystery man if you will, who swooped in and saved the day!"_

_I shifted in Ranger's arms and raised myself off his lap so I could whisper in his ear. "I think I need to show this 'Man in Black' just how appreciative I am for saving my life."_

_In a flash, Ranger pulled me up, threw me over his shoulder and I swear we flew into the bedroom because I definitely remember sailing through the air and landing in the middle of the bed. Yep, he spent the rest of the night showing me how to fly!_

_**x x x x x**_

**Chapter Twelve**

Damn!

Damnity, Damn, Damn, Damn, it all to hell. Yeah, I know it didn't work as well as 'Crap, crappity, crap, crap...' but I didn't want to be repetitive.

We were due in the Big Ticket Entertainment Studios in an hour and had just woken up. Of course, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but Ranger was in his element and handled the situation as he would any military op, with cool efficiency. He began barking orders into the phone and I heard feet stampeding in response. I was surprised when were on the road in under twenty minutes. My man was gooood!

"Babe…wasn't that established last night, multiple times?" I couldn't help but blush.

I glanced into the rear view mirror. Dougie and Mooner were a little worse for wear sleeping in the back of the SUV. I really needed to talk to Ranger about frisking those two and confiscating any illegal contraband before they could get into any more trouble. The stoned duo had been practicing the Klingon mating ritual with a couple of Klingon babes well into the night. It apparently involved a lot of furniture being thrown around, spouting poetry (who knew) and of course required copious amounts of mind-enhancing stimulation. Then again, everything those two did seemed to require copious amounts of mind-enhancing stimulation.

It looked like they still hadn't fully recovered. Dougie and Mooner were on Grandma's material witness list, so I was little anxious about their present physical states but decided there were bigger things to worry about. I began pouring over the written statements from Grandma and her witnesses to familiarize myself with the case. I knew that money wouldn't be involved since the show gave a monetary award to each side of the court case but there was something bigger at stake than money. We're talking my mom's upside-down pineapple cake with whipped cream! If I let Grandma embarrass herself and, by extension 'the family', I would never get dessert again. Failure was clearly not an option.

I had a feeling, that no matter how hard I tried, this court case was a train wreck just waiting to happen. It was like one of those math problems in school that had gone horribly wrong. I could see it now...If Train A leaves Trenton at 5:00 and travels at a constant speed of 80 m.p.h. and Train B leaves California at the same time travelling at a constant speed of 110 m.p.h., at what time will the trains meet...over a huge canyon where they will crash head on, plunge into the black abyss and kill all of the passengers in a spectacular, newsworthy, fire-y death. Yep, that was my life.

_x x x x x_

Ranger's good parking karma meant we didn't have far to walk inside the studios. I snickered. The other SUV had to park in lot QQ at the other end of the studio lot.

I settled in the waiting room outside of Studio B, the set for Judge Judy's courtroom, with Grandma and her other witnesses. I still wasn't sure why I was considered a witness, but here I was, nevertheless. We waited in this tiny room with the other participants in today's show for our case to be called.

Dougie and Mooner were curled up on a couch in the corner passed out. I looked over and noticed Dave and Scooter across the room from us. I smiled and gave them a finger wave until I remembered they were the 'enemy'. I snapped my hand back into my lap. 'No fraternizing with the enemy', RangeMan rule 32, I repeated to myself...even if they did make damn good cookies.

I began bouncing my left leg as I strummed my fingers on the arm of my chair. The waiting was killing me. Sally reached over, grabbed my hand and placed it firmly on my leg successfully stopping both of my nervous ticks.

Sally handed me a bottle of water and smiled. "Steph, take a drink, sit back and relax. It'll be okay, you'll see." I gave him an apologetic smile and rested my head on his shoulder. I was so not ready for this.

Thankfully, Ranger had called a friend of a friend and managed to secure courtroom audience tickets for everyone who wasn't going to be present as witnesses. At least there would be familiar faces in the crowd. Hey, if you are going to publicly humiliate yourself, who better to do it in front of, than a bunch of friends...who would make a point of reminding you mercilessly of said humiliations every day..._for the rest of your life_. Huh. So maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. Crap. Well it too late to do anything about it now. I sank back in my seat in resignation and waited.

_x x x x x_

_**(Cue Opening Music)**_

_**(Announcer)**_

"_Welcome to a Special One Hour Live Taping of the Judge Judy Show. You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Shindlin, the people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final...This is Judge Judy."_

On cue, I entered the courtroom with Grandma, Sally and Lula. Dave and Scooter followed behind us. I turned as we walked up the middle isle and gave a finger wave to Ranger and all of my friends in the audience.

_**(Announcer)**_

"_Dave Nelson and Scooter Smith, owners of Stiva's Funeral Parlor in Trenton, New Jersey are suing Edna Mazur for theft."_

"_The defendant, Edna Mazur claims it's a case of 'that's the way the cookie crumbles.'" _I glared at Grandma.

"All rise."

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! It was Officer Byrd standing twenty feet from us. Bursting with excitement, I turned to look at Lula who was sitting beside me on the witness bench. Licking the drool that had escaped her lips, she adjusted her boobs and pulled out a permanent marker from her purse. She began unbuttoning her top as she started to stand. Oh Hell...no way was she going to ask Byrd to autograph _any_ part of her body. I gave Lula the squinty eyes 'don't you dare' look that made her freeze in her spot. She attempted an apologetic laugh then started to redo her top. Uh huh...yeah riiight. Hey, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck . I grabbed the marker out of her hand and shoved it in my purse glowering at her.

"This is case number 132 on the calendar in the matter of Dave Nelson and Scooter Smith versus Edna Mazur, Judge."

"Thank you Officer Byrd." It was _HER_, in the flesh—albeit wrinkly flesh, but still, it was really her—Judge Judy, with that cute little lace neck-y thing around her robes. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and fought the urge to cross myself. Hey this was _Judge Judy_! This was big...like meeting the Pope himself, BIG!

"You're welcome Judge. Both parties have been sworn in," Byrd said then turned to the court observers. "You may be seated." Everyone in the courtroom sat down except Grandma, Dave and Scooter.

I shifted a side-ways glance to Lula from my seat. She didn't look so well. She was panting, sweating profusely and squirming in her seat beside me. I guess her fear of police stations also extended to courtrooms, even television ones. In a panic, she jumped to her feet and started yelling.

"You want the truth, you can't handle the truth! I did it. I confess but you're not going to take me alive copper!" she said.

I tried to pull her back down in her seat but she pushed me away and ran to Byrd, grabbing him around the waist and held on tight to his pants, with her hands suspiciously close to 'Mr. Happy'.

"**HEL-LO, HELLO!**" Judge Judy said banging her gavel. "Who is this woman? What's going on here? Outrageous...this is **OUTRAGEOUS!** This is a courtroom not a television show...wait...never mind. BALIFF, come extract this woman from Officer Byrd and remove her from the courtroom!"

Lula was dragged backwards by her elbows with her feet trailing behind her by two burly Bailiffs. She was removed from the room kicking and screaming, "I love you Byrd. Let me have your babies. Call me, Sugar I'm in the phone book."

Well shit, we were down another witness. Our case and my chance of getting cake ever again were not looking so good.

"I WANT ORDER! This is a courtroom not _The Price is Right_ and I'm not Bob Barker. Do I look like I care whether a box of Exlax costs more than a box of suppositories? Do you see a microphone in my hand? Do you see Byrd in a bikini standing beside a new car? Can we begin sometime today?" Judge Judy said.

Everyone seemed to nod their heads afraid to speak.

"Okay Mr. Nelson and Mr. Jones, I've read your complaint." She looked at the Plantiffs. "Now let me get this straight. You are suing the defendant Mrs. Mazur for loss of property, is that correct?" She looked at the Plantiffs waiting for an answer.

"Yesss, your Honour," Scooter said. "...And might I add that you look much younger in real life."

"**BAL-ONEY!** Are you trying to butter me up? Are you kidding me? Do you see stupid written on my forehead?" She banged her hands on her desk.

"Do you know what my grandmother used to say?" she looked at her straight man, Officer Byrd, who chuckled. "She used to say, 'Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.' She used to say, 'Beauty fades, dumb is forever.' She used to say, 'Dumb ideas come from people with dumb brains." Oh crap, she did not look happy!

"Are you dumb? Either you're playing dumb, or it's not an act. Do you think _I'm _dumb? I'm smarter in my baby finger that you are in your entire body." She was on a roll.

"On your best day, you aren't as smart as I am on my worst day. If you live to be one hundred, you will never be as smart as me. They don't keep me here cuz I'm gorgeous and five-ten" She laughed. "SIT DOWN!" We looked around. Everyone was already seated except the people who were supposed to be standing. Ohh-kay there...

"Byrd, what do you think of that, hmmm?" Judge Judy looked over to Officer Byrd who seemed engrossed in his clipboard. He looked serious and thoughtful. I figured he was probably taking important notes about the court proceeding for evidence.

'_Hmmmm...five letter word for 'shoe'?' Byrd tapped his pencil on his clipboard while he pondered the answer to seven Across in his crossword. _

There was an uncomfortable silence in the courtroom while Judge Judy waited for an answer from Byrd. Finally he looked up at the Judge and noticed that she was waiting for a response from him.

"You're right Judge" He chuckled shaking his shoulders with laughter. It was his standard response...worked every time. _Now let's see where was I? Eight Down, 10 letter word for..._

Mollified, Judge Judy continued. "Damn straight Byrd!" She turned back to the Plantiffs.

"I'm going to give you some advice and I want you to pay attention. Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn't work and it annoys the pig. Do you hear what I'm saying? Do we understand each other?" she said to no one in particular. "Since I'm the Judge, it's a very stupid thing to irritate me. Tell me the truth, not what you think I want to hear. Do you know what I think? Don't answer that...don't you see my mouth still moving? When I talk, you listen. My opinion is the only one that counts and I think your story's a pack of _baloney_ Mr. Nelson."

With a look of confusion written all over his face, Dave said, "Judge, I haven't told my side of the story yet."

Byrd looked up at the Judge and tapped the side of his nose with his finger. It looked like some kind of signal.

Judge Judy seemed to regain some control and straightened in her chair. "Oh. Yes, right, right... where were we?"

She shuffled some papers and then looked at Grandma. "Okay, Mrs. Mazur, it says here that you have two witnesses, a Douglas Lembowski and Otis Moonerson. I don't see these witnesses in the courtroom. Where are these witnesses?" She tilted her head down and peered over her half moon glasses with a stern look on her face.

I looked at Grandma. She suddenly looked all of her seventy-eight years. Grandma was stooped over and looked very frail. I saw her lips moving but no sound came out.

Judge Judy looked almost sympathic, then directed her gaze at me as I sat on the witness bench.

"You there, with the curly hair. Are you trying to be that girl from _Sex in the City_? How much did you pay for that haircut? Whatever you paid, it was too much. You should ask for your money back."

Okay, I was scared shitless. I looked up to the ceiling and said a small prayer for some divine intervention.

"Don't look up to God for help, look at _me_. In this courtroom _I'm God!_ You're in Judge Judy's World now and I'm big...I'm bigger than the Pope, BIG. Approach the Defendant's bench. Hurry up. This show is only sixty minutes. I haven't got all day. Do I look like I have all day? Do you think I have nothing better to do than to sit here and listen to you people yabber? Who are you and what is your relationship to the Defendent?"

I shot out of my seat and stood beside Grandma. She patted my arm. Her breathing appeared somewhat laboured.

"Um Judge, I'm Mrs. Mazur's granddaughter, Stephanie Plum, your Honour, Sir...I m-m-mean Ma'am."

"Well then, I'm shocked that you allowed your poor fragile grandmother to make this trip from New Jersey when she is obviously not up to these proceedings. Look at her. You should be ashamed of yourself." Judge Judy wagged her finger at me. I turned to face Grandma and she gave me a meek, apologetic smile.

"Where are these two witness, Mr. Lembowski and Mr. Moonerson? **SPEAK UP!**"

I laughed nervously. "Um, they're in the Waiting Room Judge?"

"Are you asking me a question? Was that a question? Don't you know I'm the only one who asks the questions around here? Do you think _I know_ where they are? Why would you think I know these men? Have people been making up stories about me again? Are people talking about me? What have you heard? What do you mean they are in the Waiting Room? Why aren't they here?"

I opened my mouth to speak but she clearly wasn't finished.

"Is court in session? It looks like court is in session, doesn't it? Byrd, doesn't the court look like it's in session? Are you mocking me? " I could see the colour creep up her neck towards her face and spittle was flying out of her mouth when she talked. I was finding it confusing to follow her line of questioning and wasn't sure anymore which question she wanted me to answer first.

"Ah...well—" I said.

"_Ah well_ is not an answer." Judge Judy interrupted me with a sharp bite to her voice.

"Well, you see—"

"_Well you see _is not an answer."

"We were um—"

"_We were um_ is not an answer" She cut me off again. Off camera, Byrd held up an sign that said 'Snigger'. The courtroom audience sniggered on cue. I turned and glared at my friends, aka 'the Traders'.

"They—"

"_They_ is not an answer"

"We—"

"_We_ is not an answer." Okay now the bitch was starting to piss me off.

"Um—"

"_Um_ is not an answer."

"M—"

"_M_ is not an answer." If they ever made this story into a cartoon, this is the part where steam would be coming out of my ears.

Byrd did that tapping on the side of his nose thing again and Judge Judy seemed to snap back to reality.

"Are you going to answer the question Miss—" She looked down at her papers, "Plum? Miss Plum."

"They're incapacitated Judge," I blurted, relieved that I was able to get it all out.

"**WHAT?** OUTRAGEOUS! This is an outrage. An outrage I say! This is a most outrageous Outrage! This is outrageously unacceptable. Byrd, drag those boys into this courtroom by their ears if you have to. No one blows me off and lives to tell about it! Don't they know who I am?" Byrd left to find Dougie and Mooner.

She looked down at me. "Did you forget you were coming to court today? Maybe you thought you were going to be in the audience for _The View_. Do I look like Rosie O'Donnell to you? Do you see me sitting around a table with three other uptight women trying to pretend they know what they're talking about."

Dave interrupted. "Um, Judge, Rosie's not on _The View_ anymore." I saw daggers shoot from her eyes and would have sworn under oath that her head spun around 360 degrees.

"**Are you questioning **_**ME**_**?** Do you want to be the Judge now? Did you go to Judge School...I mean...law school. When you become a Judge then we can sit down and talk, until then what I say goes. Don't speak unless I give you permission. When I talk you listen. Don't scratch your butt without my permission. Do we understand each other?"

A hush swept through the courtroom. Well at least her rampage wasn't directed at me this time.

Judge Judy took a deep breath, but before she could continue her rambling, she was interrupted by Byrd returning to the courtroom.

"Well, Officer Byrd?" Judge Judy strummed her fingers on her desk.

"Judge, you don't want to see them." He shook his head with disgust clearly etched on his features. "I took a picture for you." He passed her a digital camera to inspect.

After looking at the camera display she glared at me. "Are these the witnesses we are looking for Miss Plum?"

I took the camera from Byrd and looked at the LC Display. There was a picture of Dougie and Mooner spooning each other on the couch, sound asleep looking happy as pigs in shit.

"Y-Yes your Honour." That's it Steph, keep it short and sweet.

"Byrd, give me that camera back." She looked at the picture again. "Wait, are these the two fine upstanding gentlemen who rescue that poor dog at the Beverly Hills Hotel last night?"

"Yes?" I said. Afraid to incur her wrath any further, I kept my answer short and to the point.

"Well then, they're excused. Those boys deserve a medal. We need more courageous people like these dedicated young men in the world. They were probably up late doing good deeds no doubt. Am I correct?" She glared, daring me to disagree!

"Oh yes, your Honour!" Hey I wasn't stupid.

Judge Judy checked her watch and cleared her throat looking determined.

"Okay, let's get this done...it's almost time for a commercial break. Now Mr. Nelson and Mr. Smith...it says in your complaint that poor Mrs. Mazur here stole private property. Tell me what was taken."

"Well Judge Judy Ma'am, on the evening of December 27, Mrs. Mazur broke into our establishment and stole cookies that had been set out for the late evening viewings of dearly departed Mr. McCarthey and Mr. Scott." Dave stood up tall and looked very self-assured.

"Cookies, Mr. Nelson?" She arched an eyebrow. "Let me get this straight. Are you standing here wasting my time telling me we are here over _some cookies_?" Grandma gave an innocent look and started wheezing again. Her hands were shaking.

"Well, um, yes Ma'am. You see, Scooter here spent all day baking over 10 dozen cookies for the evening viewings and then _she_ snuck in and stole them." He pointed an accusing finger at Grandma.

"First things first, Mr Nelson. Do you have _evidence_ that Mrs. Mazur broke into your establishment?"

"Well, not exactly. I'm pretty sure she entered through the front door but we weren't open for business yet."

"Soooo, what you're telling me is that the front door of the funeral parlor was in fact unlocked at the time of the alleged theft. Is that correct?"

"Um, I guess." Dave sounded dejected.

"Therefore, it would have been impossible for Mrs. Mazur to have _allegedly_ broken into your establishment, since the front doors were unlocked. So, Mr. Nelson, when you wrote in your statement that Mrs. Mazur broke in, you were not being truthful. _Am I right so far_?"

Dave hung his head and managed a meek, "I-I guess, your Honour."

"Sooooo Mr. Nelson, you and Mr. Jones here are in fact great big liars. **Liar, liar pants on fire!** I eat liars for breakfast, Mr. Nelson. Did you know that? Sir, has anyone told you the story of Pinnochio? You make me sick! You actually thought you could pull a fast one on me? Pull the wool over my eyes, hmmmm? Don't you watch this show? Do you know what my dear sweet Granny used to say, Mr. Nelson? She used to say, 'Don't kid a kidder.' 'Don't fool a fooler.' 'Don't con a conman.' 'Don't bug a bugger.' 'Don't fu—"

"JUDGE!" Byrd cut in.

"Yes, well...anyway Mr. Nelson, lets keep this moving along. How much do you usually charge for these cookies at viewings?"

"You...you see Your Honour, we don't _charge_ people who come into the funeral parlor to visit the deceased anything, they're free...um, part of our funeral package." He looked more unsure of himself and started nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Mr. Nelson. Now, I want you to think _long and hard_ about your answer to this next question, do you understand? Just nod your head Sir, that you understand me, don't speak." Dave nodded his head.

"Does it make _sense_ to you Mr. Nelson, that a person could be charged with theft when the item, in question, is in fact _free_?"

"I-I guess not, Your Honour."

Judge Judy banged both hands on her desk. "**RIGHT!** Now we're on the same page. Do you have eye witnesses that saw Mrs. Mazur take your cookies?"

"Your Honour, no one _actually_ saw her take the cookies...but the same cookies were put out with the refreshments at the Senior Citizen Center's Bingo Extravaganza that very same night. She had her name beside the cookies on the donation card." Grandma had on her wide-eyed innocent look and she started to sob. Judge Judy looked almost lovingly at Grandma Mazur.

Judge Judy's voice softened. "Mrs. Mazur, are you alright dear? Would you like a glass of water perhaps?"

She turned to face Byrd. "Officer Byrd, get Mrs. Mazur some water please."

Judge Judy had a far way sentimental look in her eyes. "Mrs. Mazur, you remind me so much of my own dear sweet Granny, bless her heart."

Well, Judge Judy may have believed Grandma's act, but I didn't buy for a second. Still, I was no fool so I decided to played along and use it to our advantage...I mean the Judge didn't know my grandmother, right? I wrapped a loving arm around Grandma Mazur's shoulder and pulled a tissue from my purse dabbing at her eyes. Judge Judy smiled and clasped both of her hands together at our loving interaction.

Her face became stern as she turned back to look at Dave and Scooter. "Mr. Nelson and Mr. Smith, what you are telling me is that you have _no physical evidence_ that connects Mrs. Mazur to this theft and you have _no eye witnesses_, correct?"

"Yes, your Honour." They said in unison. They hung their heads in defeat.

"Then what are we sitting around here for? I'm missing Happy Hour at the Judge's lounge and then I've got a book signing to get to...**CASE DISMISSED!**"

I blew out a long breath and hugged Grandma. For the first time in a long while, something had gone our way. I was beyond ecstatic! I threw my purse over my shoulder and started collecting the papers we had brought with us.

From the front row of courtroom observers, a smallish man in an oversized trench coat jumped up and ran to the front of the courtroom between the Plaintiff and Defendant boxes. He whipped open his coat.

"NO ONE MOVE! I've got enough plastic explosives strapped to my body to blow this courtroom to Kingdom come!" Rows of plastic explosives were in fact duck taped to his torso.

_You have got to be shitting me!_ I couldn't frigging believe it.

"If I take my thumb off of this button," he said as he held up a small device in his left hand, "It's bye bye Byrd-ie. Ha ha...get it? Byrd—ie"

Okay, this wasn't even a scenario on the radar that I could have predicted. This was so not my fault this time. Really! I turned to send Ranger a pleading look. He had on his blank mask but I noticed him make the slightest eye movements indicating some sort of silent message with his men.

The crazed lunatic turned slightly to face Judge Judy. "You don't remember me do you Judge? You made a fool out of me on National television. You ruined my life. Because of coming on this show, my wife left me and took my kids and the dog. Hell, she even took the fish. I lost my job and no one would hire me because they saw me get humiliated by you on t.v. My house and car were repossessed because I couldn't make the payments and I had to move back in with my mother. She is the devil incarnate, Judge."

He looked directly in one of the cameras. "Do you hear me you old bat? You nagging, whiny, evil wench! You are the DEVIL!"

Judge Judy looked actually at a loss for words. Loud noises were coming from outside of the courtroom.

"NO ONE LEAVES THIS ROOM UNTIL I HAVE MY DEMANDS MET, DO YOU HEAR ME! AND IF ANYONE TRIES TO COME IN HERE, WE ALL DIE, TOGETHER, LIVE ON NATIONAL T.V." He held the detonation switch high above his head in a threatening posture.

The movement from outside the courtroom stopped. No one tried to enter.

Grandma sagged into me, throwing her arms around me, unable to continue standing by herself. I think everything was finally too much for her. I held her up as best I could trying to juggle her, my purse and the papers, afraid to make any big movements. I felt her tugging on my purse as she tried to keep herself from falling. I did not want to piss off a crazy with enough co2 explosives strapped to him that could put a nice crater in California. I felt Grandma shift beside me and I tried to tell her silently not to make any sudden movements.

I could see the fear in her eyes. She was so scared. God, I wanted so desperately to comfort her, tell her that we would be okay, but it would be a lie and she would know it. All I could do was offer her the comfort of my arms for what might be our last embrace.

I knew Ranger's hands were tied. He and the Merry Men were too far away to rush this crazy son of a bitch before he blew us all to Hell. I tried to tell Ranger how much I loved him with my ESP and I felt a wave of his love embrace me back, washing over my entire body. I felt calm. I decided I was not going to leave this earth a coward.

I slowly turned to each of my friends giving them a small smile, hoping that I could silently convey just how much they meant to me. I know that in the beginning of this crazy adventure I had been a reluctant participant but after everything we'd been through together, we really had become close.

I could almost laugh now thinking back to all of the things we had gone through since first finding out about this crazy trip to California. There was the Disaster Training Scenario. Then the Airport Security fiasco and the food fight on the plane. We were definitely never going to be allowed to fly with Continental Airlines again! Huh, I guess if this lunatic has his way our next trip would be a one way ticket to the great beyond. I smiled thinking about the whacky wrestling video Grandma and Lula made. Then there was the false fire alarm at the hotel and Dougie and Mooner, bless their hearts, saving that little dog. Ranger rescuing everyone at Disneyland. My less than stellar attempt to take down that Bimbo who was making the moves on Ranger.

Yep, it had been quite an adventure. Well at least I could say I didn't leave this earth sitting in front of the television. I may have a screwed up life but I at least I was out there _living _it, right?

Suddenly Grandma jerked beside me and then reached inside her jacket clutching her heart. She started gasping.

"M-m-my arm...i-it's numb...my chest hurts...Stephanie?" I could hear the desperation in Grandma's voice. She sounded terrified.

_Oh my God!_ She was having a heart attack. No, no,no,nooooo...not now!

"We have to get my Grandma to the hospital. She's having a heart attack." I looked at the madman in desperation. "_Please! Help me!_" Tears threatened my eyes.

"I said no one comes in and no one goes out! Now _shut her up_ before I _make_ her shut up!" He was only standing a few feet from us. The crazed look in his eyes petrified me. There was no way to get help for Grandma. My heart was breaking. Grandma started moaning. I tried to shield Grandma from this madman with my body. He would not touch a single hair on her precious head if I had any say in the matter!

"Oh, oh..it hurts soo much." Grandma started crying and fell from my arms. I was frantic, pleading with my eyes for Ranger to help, even though I knew this time Batman couldn't come to my rescue. Grandma stumbled forward.

The lunatic bomber started yelling. "Keep that old hag away from me, do you hear me?" I reached out to catch Grandma hoping to break her fall.

The next thing I heard was a sound I knew all too well...

Zzzzztt...and the crazed bomb-wearing, dumb-ass, don't-fuck-with-my-Grandma lunatic crumbled into a pile on the floor. Just before he fell Grandma reached out with her right hand and grabbed the small control from him keeping the detonation button depressed. She held up her left hand bringing my stun gun up to her lips. She blew across the end of the gun like she was in a movie.

"Take that sucka. Call me an old hag, will ya!" Grandma lifted her foot and placed it on top of the limp body lying on the floor.

Grandma looked straight into one of the television cameras. "And _that_ all you people out there in TV land is whatcha call prime time television. You can't make up better TV," she said. Gone was her stooped posture and fragile appearance. _My Grandma was back!_

She looked at one of the cameramen and winked. "Well ain't you a cutie pie. Make sure you get my good side, sonny. Play your cards right and you might just get lucky later. I'm a real live celebrity now, ya know." She waggled her eyebrows at him and clicked her dentures.

Ranger and the Merry Men sprang into action disarming Grandma and the unconscious bomber. When Grandma was weapon-free I ran up to her and threw my arms around her.

"You crazy old woman. Don't you ever scare me like that again." I held her in a tight embrace.

She hugged me back and patted my arms. "You only live once sweetie."

_x x x x x_

We spent the next few hours being interviewed by news reporters from every network including some international stations and for the first time in a long time, I didn't mind the publicity. I was through worrying about what mom or people in the Burg thought of me, Grandma or my friends. If they didn't like it, they could go fu— well, they could take a flying leap off a tall building...without a bungie cord.

As we were leaving to go back to the hotel I put my arm around Ranger.

"Holy Surprise Ending eh, Batman?"

"Babe, it's hardly the end. We've got at least one more chapter to go. There's still a wedding that needs to be planned and I don't intend to allow the credits to roll until I make you Mrs. Stephanie Manoso."

T B C


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: __A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l, Bluzie and Boy-o for editing and support. (This is where I would insert a joke about 'how many betas does it take for me to write a story'...) Thanks so much to everyone following this story and leaving reviews!!  
_

_This chapter was actually a short story I wrote for a challenge on the PP Yahoo site about six months ago. It became the impetus behind __**Courting With Distaster**__. I guess I wrote __**Courting**__ backwards…starting at the ending and then going back to the beginning with some funny filler—I hope—in the middle. _

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

_x x x x x_

**Courting With Disaster**

'_**Butterfly Kisses. A Different Kind of Love Story.'**_

_x x x x x_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_We spent the next few hours being interviewed by news reporters from every network including some international stations and for the first time in a long time, I didn't mind the publicity. I was through worrying about what mom or people in the Burg thought of me, Grandma or my friends. If they didn't like it, they could go fu— well, they could take a flying leap off a tall building...without a bungie cord._

_As we were leaving to go back to the hotel I put my arm around Ranger._

_"Holy Surprise Ending eh, Batman?"_

_"Babe, it's hardly the end. We've got at least one more chapter to go. There's still a wedding that needs to be planned and I don't intend to allow the credits to roll until I make you Mrs. Stephanie Manoso."_

_x x x x x_

**Chapter Thirteen**

Oh Boy! You'd think after being dragged through Grandma Mazur's crazy California adventure, I'd be able to face any obstacle life throws at me, head on. Well…guess again.

This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I finally got the man of dreams. That's right, I got Batman. He came with a commitment, a ring, the Batcave and we were going to live happily ever after. That is of course, if I survived…the wedding.

If I thought my mom was nagging and controlling before I became engaged to Ranger, I was wrong. She took both to new levels as she planned 'the best wedding the Burg has ever seen'. I was seriously rethinking Ranger's offer to elope. Of course, that would involve moving to an isolated island in the Caribbean and acquiring the services of a really good plastic surgeon, because when my mom found out she would hunt me down to the ends of the earth.

After returning from her forced_ vacation_, Mom became practically obsessed with outdoing all of her friends and neighbours. Wanting to ride the wave of our recent celebrity, she wanted all of the phones in Trenton ringing off the hook. This time it would not be for some embarrassing situation I'd managed to get myself into. I didn't have the heart to break it to her that it was only a matter of time before I stepped in something, but who was I to burst her bubble.

My mom had been calling me at all hours of the day and night for the past six months going over every single detail, making sure that nothing could possibly go wrong to spoil her big day. From the church, to the flowers, bride's maid dresses and reception hall, my mom had totally taken over. Every idea I had was shot down. She was relentless until I gave in. Basically, she was succeeding in beating all of the fun out of planning this wedding. My wedding, hmmm, it didn't really feel like my wedding anymore. .

Ranger was great about the whole thing. He offered to step in and talk to her, but I was afraid it would just make things worse. Once my mom got an idea in her head she was like a rabid dog, frothing at the mouth. We all knew it wasn't worth it to go against her wishes. Besides, all that really mattered was that when it was over, I would be married to the man of my dreams.

My mom had insisted that Dad and I take dance lessons at Trenton School of Dance on Jefferson so, as she so eloquently put it, 'we wouldn't embarrass her and shame the family'. She tried to insist that Ranger join me in some dance lessons as well but after he shot her a hardened glare, she quickly backed down and redoubled her assault on me and my dad.

Our lessons were on Tuesdays and Thursdays so on those nights I usually ate at my parents before my dad drove us over to the studio. The night of our first lesson we drove in silence, neither of us really looking forward to the evening ahead. It wasn't that I didn't want to learn how to dance or didn't want to spend time with my dad but it would have been nice if it had been our idea, our choice.

"She means well you know," my dad said in a quiet voice. "It's just her way."

"Yeah, Dad I know. It's just...she has totally taken over. All I have to do is show up. It's not really the wedding I envisioned." I sighed and turned to look out the passenger window.

"There's no fun left in it for me." It came out as a whisper as I let out a deep breath. My dad gave me an understanding smile. He knew me so much better than my mom ever did.

_x x x x x_

I had to admit that in spite of everything, the wedding was beautiful and went off without a hitch (pun intended... hey, I didn't completely lose my sense of humour about our wedding). Ranger, well he looked totally amazing and incredibly edible in his Armani tux with his chin length hair hanging loose. Yum, just the way I liked it.

For the entire ceremony, Ranger and I couldn't take our eyes off of each other. The Merry Men filled the first three pews on the right side of the church and there wasn't a dry eye in the bunch. Tank, Ranger's best man, was a blubbering fool by the end of the ceremony totally ruining his bad-ass image. It was embarrassing really in a touching and adorable way. RangeMan's reputation would never be the same.

_x x x x x_

I'm sure the reception dinner tasted wonderful; it looked wonderful. I just pushed the food around my plate. I didn't think it was possible for me to be too nervous to eat. Ranger looked down at my untouched food and put his arm around me, pulling me close.

"Tonight is about us, Babe. Let's just enjoy the moment."

He led me to the dance floor when it was time for our first dance as Husband and Wife. Ranger had insisted, much to my mother's chagrin, we dance to a traditional Spanish ballad. As he sang the words softly in my ear he moved me fluidly across the floor. He was right, he really didn't need dance lessons. Dancing was in his blood.

As the song ended, my dad got up from his chair and walked towards us. His eyes shined with unshed tears and I could see the pride written all over his face. It was time for the Father/Daughter dance. Ranger took my hand and brought it to his lips. He brushed a kiss across the back of my hand before he placed it in my dad's.

My dad held my hand as he walked me to centre of the dance floor. He spun me close to him and we waited for the music to begin. All eyes turned to us as the disc jockey announced our song.

"A little bird told me that Stephanie and her father have been taking dance lessons for weeks preparing for this moment. Enjoy."

The music started. Mom had chosen a classic Father/Daughter wedding song.

**(To enhance your viewing pleasure open a new tab, go to Youtube and search 'Bob Carlisle Butterfly Kisses'. Press play...go on, you know you wanna...)**

**_ There's two things I know for sure  
She was sent here from heaven and she's  
Daddy's little girl._**

I looked up at my dad. A tear was running down his cheek as he brought me closer. We glided across the floor. The lessons had definitely paid off as we moved gracefully together in time to the music.

**_ As I drop to my knees by her bed at night  
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and  
I thank God for all of the joy in my life  
Oh, but most of all  
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer._**

I looked over at my mom and smiled. She really had chosen a beautiful song for our dance. She sniffed in a tissue and signalled the videographer to get a close-up shot while pushing guests out of the way so she could better dictate the camera angle.

**_ Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair--_**

Suddenly the music came to an abrupt stop as the high pitched squeal of a record being scratched rang throughout the hall. There was dead silence. Everyone looked around in confusion.

My dad turned me so we could see my mother. He blew her a kiss.

Dad and I looked at each other. "It's Hammer Time," we shouted together as the music started up again.

**(Now search 'MC Hammer Can't Touch This' on Youtube and press play.****)  
**

**_ Can't touch this  
Can't touch this  
Can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)  
__Can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)_  
**_**My-my-my-my music hits me sooo hard - makes me say oh, my Lord** _

Dad and I began pumping our fists in the air to the music moving around the dance floor and signalling the crowd to get up on their feet.

_** Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and to hype beat  
That's good when you know you're down  
A Superbowl homeboy from Oaktown  
And I'm known, as such  
And this is a beat uh u can't touch  
I told you homeboy u can't touch this** _

When we reached the end of the dance floor my dad whipped off his jacket, swung it around his head a few times and threw it into the crowd. I was sure I saw two of Grandma Mazur's friends from the Clip and Curl fighting over it as they rolled around on the floor. He then slid down onto the dance floor and made a rippling motion through his body as he crossed the room on his stomach doing the 'Worm'.

The crowd cheered him on chanting, "**Go Frank! Go Frank! Go**!" They were working themselves up into a frenzy.

**_ Yeah that's how we're livin' and you know u can't touch this  
Look in my eyes man u can't touch this  
You know let me bust the funky lyrics u can't touch this_**

Lula, Connie and Mary Lou were screaming and laughing as they danced on top of their chairs. I was worried Lula would fall off, but Tank was standing right behind her looking ready to catch her. He had a big-ass grin on his face. Ranger and his band of Merry Men were the loudest of all, singing along and head banging in time to the music.

**_ Fresh new kicks and pants  
You got it like that now you know you wanna dance  
So move out of your seat  
And get a fly girl and catch this beat  
While it's rollin' hold on pump a little bit  
And let me know it's going on like that like that..._**

We moved through our routine popping, krumping, and grinding to the music. My long gown was a little restricting so I just hiked it up and shook my little, white, ass-et for all it was worth. And my dad...well, for a middle aged, middle class white guy from the Burg…he could really bust some moves.

The music ended as my dad and I leaned up against each other, back to back with our arms crossed over our chests, looking straight into the video camera. The thunderous sound of hands beating on the tables and uproarious applause was deafening. We hugged each other.

"I love you. That was for you pumpkin. Only you."

My dad walked me over to Ranger's welcoming arms. Before he left to face my mom, I leaned up and whispered in his ear, "Proud of you, Dad."

_**The End.**_

_x x x x x_

"The End? Oh, you did not…"

_**Huh? "Um…Grandma Mazur, is that you?"**_

"Damn tootin' Chickie. Who's in charge around here anyway?"

"_**Well, er...um…okay this is strange. I-I've never really had a real conversation with a character in a story before. I guess you could say that I'm in charge since I wrote the story but I'm just borrowing the characters...and I'm not making any profit…and all those other standard fan fiction disclaimers."**_

"Yadda, yadda, yadda. So, hotshot writer, you have some explaining to do."

"_**I d-d-don't understand. You d-didn't like the story?"**_

"The story was great though I'm annoyed I didn't get a superhero costume like Dougie and Mooner. I would've looked real spiffy in one of them spandex outfits, don't ya think?"

"_**Well, I did put you in spandex for the wrestling scene with Lula in Chapter Eight. I thought you would've been happy about that."**_

"Damn skippy! We got over 1000 hits on the video in the first hour it was posted. I'm like an internet legend on Youtube. I'm bigger than the Star Wars Kid."

"_**So, I don't really see what the problem is then…and Grandma Mazur? You really need to stop hanging around Lula. You're starting to sound like her."**_

"Hey, don't you be dissin' my homegirl…we's tight now. See, the problem IS…that you barely mentioned ME in this chapter and I didn't get any dialogue. So, what's up with that? You can't end a story and have the main character, the heroine, missing for most of the chapter. And what about Tank, Lester and Ranger's revenge, eh? Did you forget about that little detail? You can't leave loose ends like that sticking out all over the place. What were you thinking?"

"_**Geez, cut me some slack would you…this IS my first multi-chapter fan fiction story." Shakes head. "Everyone's a critic."**_

"………"

"_**I can't believe you! Did you just make the yackity-yack sign with your hand behind my back??"**_

"Course not." Snicker. "Now don't you be getting me distracted, here. The question is…what are you going to do about this mess, hmmm?"

"_**Okay, first of all, don't even try to raise your eyebrow at me. It only works for Ranger. And second...ugh…you'rerightsoI'llwriteanEpilogue."**_

"Speak up and talk slowly Dearie. I didn't hear ya the first time."

"_**I. said. you're. right. so. I'll. write. an. Epilogue. Happy?"**_

"Damn tootin! Now, do ya got a pen and paper handy? I've got some ideas for a REAL ending and have you thought about writing a sequel? See in the sequel I could be like this sexy undercover agent who works for this guy named Bosley and I get to kick ass and walk around in a thong bikini and have lots of hot, sweaty sex. Or, I could be this hot cutie who has to go by different alias' in every episode, I mean chapter, and I get to kick ass and walk around in a thong bikini and have lots of hot, sweaty sex. Oh, I know…I could be a British secret agent who gets to drink martinis, kick ass and walk around in a thong bikini and have lots of hot, sweaty sex…"

"_**I'm starting to see a theme here…"**_

_**Sigh. To be continued…**_

_x x x x x _

Search Youtube **'Wedding Dance First As A Couple FUNNY Baby Got Back'** and **'Funny Father / Daughter Dance A Wonderful White Wedding'** for videos that inspired this chapter. Too funny!


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: Thanks to everyone who read this story and left reviews!! I've loved reading your comments. A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l, Bluzie, Mud and Boy-o for editing and support throughout this whole process. **_

_**Well, this is it...the Epilogue. Phew, what a relief! I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Nekkid men jumping out of a cake may commence now.**__** I'm dedicating this chapter to Kate Manoso, president of the Binky Fan Club. So my question is...did he or didn't he?**_

_xx not mine, not making any money xx_

_x x x x x_

**Courting With Disaster**

_'J__ust desserts.'_

_x x x x x_

_**Previously in Courting With Disaster**_

_The music ended as my dad and I leaned up against each other, back to back with our arms crossed over our chests, looking straight into the video camera. The thunderous sounds of hands beating on the tables and uproarious applause were deafening. We hugged each other._

"_I love you. That was for you, Pumpkin. Only you." _

_My dad walked me over to Ranger's welcoming arms. Before he left to face my mom, I leaned up and whispered in his ear, "Proud of you, Dad."_

_x x x x x_

**Epilogue**

"Hello, is anyone home?" _Hmmm._ _No welcoming committee on the front steps waiting for me? Very strange._

"Mom? Grandma?" I walked through the living room with Binky following close behind. The sound of muffled crying and breaking dishes could be heard coming from the kitchen.

I lowered my voice. "Thanks Binky, you can just put the box on the table. You should probably go. Things could get…messy."

Binky appeared hesitant to leave but I patted his arm hoping to reassure him. With obvious reluctance, he put the box he'd been carrying on the dining room table and moved towards the front door. I gave him a small finger wave and he returned my gesture with a smile.

"Bye."

I moved towards the kitchen with some apprehension. Pushing open the swinging kitchen door with care, I ducked as a plate smashed just above my head.

"MOM! What the hell are you doing?"

"St-St-t-tephan-n-nie…" That was pretty much all I was able to discern from her sobbing, which was interspersed with the occasional wailing and flying crockery.

It was evident she was wearing 'Eaux de Jim Beam' from the scent which hung heavy in the air. Feeling helpless, I searched my extensive training and knowledge of 'The Book' to see if I could come up with something to help in just such a situation. Yesss! RangeMan Rule 186 _"When under attack, your best defense is to launch a counter-offensive at the attacker's weakest point...and if that doesn't work there's a free standing one way ticket in your mother's name to Namibia...and Babe, no phones in the desert. _Hmmm, maybe a nomadic tribe could adopt her. That wouldn't be so bad, right?

Okay well, it was nice to know there was a plan B if I needed it. Now what the hell would her weakest point be? I looked around for a distraction so I could get close enough to disarm her. My eyes landed on a freshly made pineapple upside-down cake that sat like a beacon in the middle of the kitchen table. Aside from bitch slapping her, I knew there was only one viable course of action that would snap Mom out it, when she got like this...

I bit my bottom lip. I could hear the inner voices of my conscience arguing back and forth. You know, the classic devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. _Huh, my inner voices sounded suspiciously like Lula and Valerie. _

_**(Cue animated Devil Lula and Saint Valerie to sit on Stephanie's shoulders.) **_

"**NO! WAY! Girlfriend! Step away from that cake and no one will get hurt. What you be thinkin'?" **

"_This is a dire emergency, Stephanie. Don't listen to Lula. I'm your sister. Would I steer you wrong?"_

"**Are you freakin' crazy? HELLO? We're talking dessert here. There are laws about abusing food ya know." **

"_No there aren't. God Stephanie, stop being so selfish. Me, me, me! Can you get over yourself, look past your own needs and think about what's good for 'the family' and our standing in this community." _

"**All this talk about food is making me hungry. Hey, that reminds me, we didn't have breakfast. Let's say we blow this joint and hit Mickey D's. I could go for a couple Big Macs and some fries. Mmmm, a chocolate shake…and I wouldn't say no to one or two of them cherry pies."**

_Snicker. "Ah, yes. Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. Would you stop thinking about food for one minute and focus on what's important. What are people in the Burg going to say if word of this gets out? Think about how it will it look to the neighbours."_

"**La, la, la, la, la…I can't hear you…"**

"_Oh for the love of_…" (In a mocking, childish tone_) "Look at me, I'm perfect Stephanie. I have a perfect life, with a perfect husband, and I live in a perfect mansion. Nobody else matters in the family but me." _

"**Did you say something? Sorry, I can't hear you. There's something in my ears. Oh yeah, that would be…my fingers!"**

"_You know what they say about Karma, Stephanie. What goes around comes around."_

"**Ha, I'll give ya Karma. How about my Karma runs over your Dogma?"**

"Oh, you big, fat copycat. You stole that from a bumper sticker!"

"**Who you callin' fat? How 'bout I take that halo of yours and wrap it around—"**

_**(Animated Devil Lula climbs over to Saint Valerie and puts her in a strangling choke hold as they disappear with a 'pop')**_

Okay, so that wasn't helpful. Instead, I tried to gather strength from my inner Ghandi….waiting...anytime now...crap. I had nothing. It seems Ghandi had left the building. He was probably still pissed because we never did get to ride the Tea Cups at Disneyland. Well fine, who needed him anyway. I could do this on my own. I had skills. I had training. I am woman, hear me roar and all that stuff.

It quickly became evident I was running out of options. With tears in my eyes and a fierce determination to make the ultimate sacrifice, I picked up the cake and held it above my head in a threatening manner.

"Mom, put the plates down. Don't make me…" My voice was reduced to a whisper "…drop this cake. You know I-I'll do it."

I chewed my lower lip. _Hmmm, I bet if I dropped it juu—ssst right, I'd probably still be able to rescue the top part of the cake. I wonder if Mom had whipped cream and maraschino cherries in the fridge…_

Mom blew her nose into a tissue in a very unlady-like manner; I guess 'Eaux de Jim Beam' will do that to you.

"Stephanie…that c-c-crazy old bag is going to be the death of me." Sniff. "The phone has been r-ringing off the hook all morning." Sniff, sniff. "I f-f-finally had to disconnect it." I followed her eyes to the window and saw all of the house phones lying in a broken, tangled heap in the middle of the backyard.

"Mom, how can I help if you won't tell me what she's done?"

As she seemed to regain her composure, I blew out the breath I'd been holding, relieved that a crisis of epic proportions had been successfully averted. Again. _Hmmm, I seemed to say that a lot in this story._ With great care, I slid the cake back onto the table, letting relief wash over me...and nicking a tiny bit from the back I hoped would go unnoticed.

"**WHOOPEE**!" Our discussion was interrupted by yelling coming from the dining room. We listened as the sound of a box being ripped open could be heard.

Grandma Mazur came skipping into the kitchen, clutching something to her chest. "They're here, they're here! Hot damn!"

"What's in the box, Grandma? Ranger was very secretive about it and would only say that I had to drop this box off to you personally."

"Well, ya see, me and Rangers are partners now…business partners to be exact. He's gonna be in charge of production while I'm like the figurehead of the company and I'm in charge of sales and promotion."

_Grandma Mazur and Ranger…working together. Why did it feel like the bottom of my stomach just dropped out._

"Just what business are you in with Ranger?" I eyed her with suspicion.

"The publishing business of course. See, we're going to sell these here calendars all over town and Ranger said he would get me some contact names from the RangerMan offices in Miami, Boston and Atlanta to sell them there too. I've already got tons of pre-orders. We're going to make a killing for the Senior Center." Grandma beamed. "Oh, and do you remember Mabel, from the Clip and Curl? Well, she's got this nephew who's dating the second cousin of the Executive Producer of the Shopping Network. They think our calendars would be a big hit and I'm going to be like Vanna on the show. They've even given me a prime time spot right after Joan Rivers. Can you believe it?" Grandma, sat back in her chair, with a huge self-satisfied smile on her face as she clicked her dentures.

"Grandma, let me see that calendar."

After some tugging back and forth, I was able to pry the calendar out of her hands. I flipped through the pages. _Oh my God!! _On each page there was a different picture of Lester or Tank—in speedos—taken at the Car Wash charity event back when I was embroiled with the Merry Men in, what later came to be known in RangeMan folklore as, the **Cubicle Wars**. Damn, when the other Merry Men saw these calendars, they were going to be so happy they stayed on Ranger's good side (even if the whole Captain Rangeman thing was a teensy tiny bit funny). In some pictures Lester and Tank were being lotioned up by Grandma and her friends. In others, they were reaching over to wash the cars or bending over to get more soap from a bucket. _Oh baby!_

"The girls and me at the Senior Center, we figure that we'll raise enough money to charter a bus for our trip to Chicago."

At the mention of Chicago, my mom began to wail again. I pushed her head down between her knees. Hard. _Hey, um…she looked like she was going to pass out…really._

Sighing, I reached in my purse, pulled out my stun gun and placed it on the table in a threatening manner…out of Grandma's reach. This had the desired effect of quietening Mom _AND _getting Grandma's attention so I could get to the bottom of this.

"Grandma, is there a particular reason you're planning a trip to Chicago?" _Did I really want to hear this? I mean, I could just walk away now and live happily ever after in ignorant bliss. Walk away, just walk away…_

"Well, see you'll never believe my luck. I'm gonna be a big celebrity on national T.V. again." She pulled out a paper from her purse.

"Ohhh, God. Please, tell me you are not being sued again, Grandma."

"Pffft. Naw. Been there. Done that. No, this here is gonna be a _real_ adventure, a _real_ opportunity. Lula and Sally are coming along for the ride." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. "There's gonna be room on the bus, if you're interested. Oh, and Ellen dear, you should come along as well. It might do you some good to let your hair down and have a little fun in your life. Maybe then you'll stop getting your panties in a twist, worrying all the time about what the neighbours are thinking."

My mom stifled a horrified gasp as she reached for the almost empty bottle of whiskey. With a shaking hand, she began to fill up her glass.

"Chicago, Grandma. Stay with me here. Why—are—you—going—to—Chicago?" I leaned across the table and snatched the paper from Grandma's hands while I gave her my best squinty-eyed glare, quickly skimming over the letter.

"But…what the…I can't believe…GRANDMA! Are you serious?" I looked up at her. _Wait. Forget I said that...we're talking Grandma Mazur here, after all._ I dragged my eyes back to the paper in my hands.

"Grandma, it says here the topic of the show is 'Over Seventy and I Still Look Hot in a Thong Bikini**'. **You're going to be on…**JERRY SPRINGER??"**

_Well hell…_without waiting for Grandma to answer, I grabbed Mom's glass, drained in one gulp and then dug into the Pineapple Upside Down Cake with my fingers, ripping off a huge chunk. This was not the time for the social niceties of polite society, which required the use of a plate and fork. I took a bite of cake while I whipped out my phone, speed-dialling Ella. I really hoped the offer to adopt me was still on the table_. _

_Hey, I was going to have my cake and eat it too, damn it!_

_**(Music plays in the background, Here on Earth (I'll Have My Cake), Crash Test Dummies)**_

**(Fade to black aaaand...Cut...That's a wrap people!)**

**The End….Really!**

* * *

A/N: RangeMan Employee Handbook: Very Special Limited Edition, by I. M. Ricardo. (Trenton, N. J.) Copies in circulation: 1

_x x x x x_

_**I swear this was going to be the end but then I um...had this idea for er...a sequel. I dunno...too much? Let me know...**_

_x x x x x_


End file.
